Forgive Me Miss Saigon

my boss asked if i’d go try panda express with her since i’m the only person she knows who will eat that kind of stuff. okay.

off to the mall food court we went. as we waited in line, i explained what to do. decide on a side, two to three entrees but be sure to say it was to go. the sides of the box provide additional space for food versus a flat paper plate. the line was moving slowly due to the restocking of orange chicken. so my boss decided to go to the vietnamese restaurant next door which had its own sitting area.

i didn’t see the harm since asians were eating there. an indicator of a good ethnic restaurant is seeing patrons of that ethnicity eat there (i go to panda express the line triples behind me). the waitress was nice enough but her accent was off. the utensils only added to my suspicion. spoon and fork for a rice plate. then i bit into my fried chicken wing and knew why. it tasted like jollibees. this vietnamese restaurant was run by filipinos. the waitress, the spoon, the lumpia-sized imperial roll i should have realized nobody in there was vietnamese.

growing up near daly city aka little manilla and eating banh mis from little paris you would think i would be able to tell the difference. i had mistaken filipinos for vietnamese. apparently, i now think all asians look the same.

while my asian side turns away in disgust my jewish side is having a field day.

“i was going to buy this cute noah’s ark stand as a christmas gift for my friend but it’s really a menorah”. – me.

One Fish Two Fish Red-Faced Fish

on saturday, i attended jocelyn's mom's work's mardi gras-themed christmas party. it felt like an alcoholic prom or a wedding full of strangers. they had coat check-ins, masks, beads, a buffet, dancing, live bands and a gambling hall to for the 2,000 attendees.

we did not make a beeline towards the food. jocelyn insisted we gamble first. something is off when she chooses gambling over food. the gambling room was not ready so we ate first.

buffets are probably the things i dread the most when it comes to asian people-watching. the group in front of me decided to load onto their plates everything (ironically except rice). taking the entire tray of oysters including the tray was a bit much i think.

then off to gambling. the point was to gain as many chips as possible to purchase as many raffle tickets as possible in order to increase the chances of winning as many prizes as possible. there were black jack, poker, roulette, and spin the wheel things. we played black jack...for over three hours.

i see where jocelyn gets her no sham...fear attitude from. her mom practically said to the dealer he was going to help her win(give her) lots of chips. i was impressed and scared of how persuasive she was. the guy assisted us (peeking at cards, not taking away chips when we lost). he reminded me of chekov (the anton yelchin one). we learned some things about him and he of us. there was even a group picure with him. but before you take it another step further let me say something. he was divorced and possibly eighteen. legal but still, eewww.

there was some more awkward when we met a less than sober coworker of jocelyn’s mom who was affectionate towards jocelyn and later when i asked what was a king cake was this guy said, “it's mine. ‘cuz I’m the king.”

overall i had lots of fun and our group ended up with two gift cards.

the next day at church i was told about a possible prospect. he sounded ok. before anything could be arranged the woman quickly mumbled he was divorced. not to worry, he has no kids. another plus, it was a really short marriage that didn’t mean anything. i politely declined.

i miss the days when i didn’t have to worry about someone being too young or being pre-owned or both.

“if you win the X-box, can I have it?” - jocelyn

Don’t Wanna Keep up with the Kardashians

recently my grandma has been asking my sister when she will get married because she would like to see some great grandchildren. my sister asked her if she’s asked me, the eldest grandchild, this. my grandma said if she were to wait for me she’d be long gone by then.

wow grandma, wow.

i know. she’s old enough where she doesn’t care about being pc anymore. but still, ow. if this comment were a physical attack i’d have a black eye. i guess i can add this onto my pile of emotional scars.

she’s said to me a couple times i need to get married if i want to be happy. but i tell her marriage and kids don’t guarantee happiness. i then provide her examples of people who can attest to this (yay for celebrities). i’ve even pointed out how oprah, someone she admires, isn’t married and is perfectly happy and successful (if you ignore the tv network thing).

i’m not in a panic about being single, yet. if anything the idea of getting married causes me to be in a panic. child-bearing leads to a complete black out.

next time i see grandma, i should reassure her that if there are millions of dollars in sponsorship and a brand at stake, i will consider selling my soul so i can get married and have kids ASAP.

When I Was Your Age

this year, black and orange was just for halloween. that didn't deter people from wearing giants gear on monday though. if the point of a costume is to pretend to be something you normally aren't, what does that say about those who wore giants gear as costumes?

my parents didn't pass out candy this year. it has nothing to do with the recession but with our waistlines(see previous post). each year, less and less kids come by. last year we had 3 kids, leaving us with sugar surplus. most of our neighbors don't have young kids. the few who do take their kids to the mall.

that's right the mall. nowadays kids trick or treat indoors while their parents wait at the food court sipping starbucks coffee and eating orange chicken from panda express. whatever happened to walking five miles uphill both ways knocking on strangers' doors in the fog with the chance of getting something laced with poison or decorated with razor blades while having mom and dad reminding you they still have dinner to make so we better hurry up?

they go to safe zones. neighborhoods set aside specific streets for pedestrains to trick or treat. where's the adventure? being able to play frogger to get across the street to the next house?

they consolidate all the bad people and ban them from giving out candy. i'm ok with this.

they go to school. you just spent 8 hours there. why would you go back? the kids suffer. the teachers suffer. no one wins.

they go to church. better wear something rated g. it could be a scary place if you expect to run into an albino dressed in monk's robes or a nun.

trick or treating in controlled spaces can't replace going door to door. you don't meet your neighbors, see their decorations, and can't justify eating the thousands of calories you've just collected because you didn't burn any wandering the mall munching on a pretzel.

what's going to happen to trick or treating in the future? maybe they'll make an app where electronic candy is sent to our kids' smart phones.

What Would Jenny (Craig) Do?

i'm not a go on a diet sort of person. but I’ve gained some weight since my trip. here’s a timeline of my attempt(s) to get back to my pre-vacation weight.

friday
my pants are feeling kinda tight. i did just wash them. oh crap, there’s a tear on the inner thigh. wait, no, there are tears on both inner thigh areas. dang, this is my favorite pair of jeans. can i patch them up? probably not a good idea. that would just draw attention to my crotch.

saturday
i really shouldn’t have another crumpet. but they don’t have crumpets in america. crumpets are like crusty pancakes. fine plain wheat toast and a piece of chocolate for breakfast and the rest of my sister’s crumpet (smothered in honey).

sunday
so tired but must go out to dinner for mom’s birthday. still tired, must force down this piece of cake, red bean soup, and another piece of beef.

monday
time to get on the scale. i can’t find it. oh well.

tuesday
thanks mom for letting me know where the scale was. i gained six pounds. wait how much did I weigh before my trip? based on the weight listed on my license from 6 years ago i only gained two pounds. i’m still wearing all my clothes. that’s like what, an extra two pounds. so i broke even then. no I gained six. that would explain my pants.

she’s going to order a salad?! i should do that. i don’t want salad. i want a steak sandwich with cheese. if i get peppers with it there’s my veggie. hey they have mushrooms. no peppers then. onion is a vegetable. fries too. no wait, carb. sigh, i should’ve gotten the onion rings. cream cheese pastry! i’ll eat half. oops, i ate the whole thing.

weds
chips or mango slices. mango slices. butter or salmon on bagel...both.

it’s 10pm i should eat light. if jack in the Box wins i can get two tacos. those have lettuce in them. dang in and out won. cheeseburger with milkshake but no i won’t order any fries. i’ll just eat hers.

thursday
that sandwich was not enough. but i have this pack of ramen. it looks so lonely. i have a can of vienna sausage, bffs.

i shouldn’t eat this cannoli but since you offerred. ice cream too? NO, i will eat you tomorrow ice cream (for breakfast) then i will eat healthier. i will pack a nice healthy lunch tomorrow. i will get rid of those six pounds. shoot, work is buying us chinese food for lunch tomorrow.

saturday then! Wait, that’s when splurging begins. monday then!

Elegant Sale

at daly city BART there are two businesses located within the paid areas of the station. one is a flower shop run by an elderly asian women who's there every week day. a few weeks ago she wasn’t there but her husband was. a week later the shop closed with a sign reading, “Shop Temporarily Closed Due to Health Problems”. yesterday there was a new sign next to that one which read, “Flower Shop for Sale”.

i was tempted to call the number listed under the sign. i have no plans to sell flowers but i'm curious as to what happened to the woman who ran the shop. the shop has been there for at least a decade. did she retire? is she still sick? did she pass away? it’s not like i knew her. i said hi to her once because i almost ran into her.

on one occasion, my high school friends and i stopped by the shop on our way to go ice skating in the City. two of the guys wanted to surprise their special lady friends with flowers. one bought a large stuffed animal, flowers and a very large bow for the flowers (the bow was lost on BART later). the other bought a single flower because he wanted to keep it subtle. the flower shop lady worked pretty quickly and had both orders made up nicely. the girls were pleased with their flowers.

it makes me wonder how many other special occasions this flower shop took part in. anniversaries? welcome home? congratulations? birthdays? mother’s day? i’m sorry for being a good for nothing dog but please take me back?

but i guess i'll never know since the nice little old lady who ran it won’t be there anymore.

Au-some

so i'm currently writing from the land down under. that's right i'm on a different continent. i'd thought i'd do one international post in this lifetime.

here are a few observations:

the water swirls differently in toilets.

toilet not restroom.

vans are trucks and trucks are vans.

rugby, cricket and soccer are the sports they have on tv.

don't drink directly from the tap here.

ketchup is known as tomato sauce.

they are so racist here they make jocelyn and allen j (combined) seem p.c.

there are barely any black, mexican or filipinos here.

their currency is called dollar. things are about double what they cost in the U.S.

they are the most obese country in the world.

they have take away no take out.

they can smoke outside indoor areas right next to the doorways.

driver side is the right side. they drive on the left side of the road.

metric system.

brothels are legal here.

they call mcdonalds mackers.

their kfc is bland and the chicken pieces are tiny.

kangaroos are in zoos and in super markets. tastes like rare short ribs.

awesome is what they want to be.

they do not have hup to ha here.

nearly everyone owns an iphone.

they love jersey shore and worship snooki.

they eat crumpets for breakfast.

national dishes include meat pies, chicken parma and lamb.

ufc is illegal.

flashing of butt crack is the norm.

$5 foot long will cost you $7 and they don't have provolone or monterey jack chese.

they are no jack in the boxes.

america wins.

Answer to Your Question

it's quiet where i work. besides phones ringing, the occasional loud customer or protest it's very quiet. the majority of the day is filled with sounds of keyboards as we busily type business letters, write emails or fill out endless forms.

once jocelyn and ann came for a visit. they arrived early and loitered outside until my boss said to invite them in. if you are familiar with either one you'll know one does not have an indoor voice and the other can cause one to burst into a fit of giggles that would give anderson cooper a run for his money.

so imagine my surprise when they quietly sat in the lobby while i got ready to go out with them for lunch. then things sorta went like this.

ann: omg how can you work there?
me: what?
ann: it's so quiet like a library.
jocelyn:YEAH.
me: is it really?
ann: yes. i was afraid to say anything.
jocelyn: YEAH
ann: if somebody farts does everybody know?
me: what?!
jocelyn: HAVE YOU EVER HEARD SOMEONE FART?
me: i don't think so.
ann: if you have to fart do you have to run into the bathroom to hide it?
me: i don't. wait, what i meant was...
ann: so you've farted at work?
me: no
jocelyn: IT'S OK IF YOU FARTED. EVERYONE FARTS.
me: indoor voice
jocelyn: BUT WE'RE OUTSIDE! WHO CARES IF WE TALK ABOUT FARTING?
ann: gawd, you're so loud.
jocelyn: sorry.
ann: what?
jocelyn: SORRY!

somebody at work farted in the lobby the other day. so yes, if someone farts others will hear it.

no, it was not me.

Alone + Sad = X_X (sooner)

i declined a second meeting with the nephew of my aunt's friend. a couple of months ago my aunt, her friend, her friend's nephew, his cousin and i had dinner together. it was obvious neither of us was interested in the other. we were both armed with super soakers ready to put out any sparks coming from the other side.

my aunt decided to try again. she calls me to convince me to join them for another dinner. i politely declined. but she then went to my mom. my mom said i should give the guy another try. i say to her, "i don't blame aunite's friend for wanting this to work out since i'm so wonderful. but you can't force this kinda stuff. besides, if i never get married i can live with you forever." before she can come up with a response i hop out the door into the fog.

just as i had finished patting myself on the back for not settling i read this:
Single People May Die Younger, New Study Finds

>_<'

not all hope is lost though. ann brought up another study that shows happy people live longer. so if one is a happy single it's possible to live the same amount of time as a married person. early death is more likely if you're single and depressed. we don't know anyone like that so there's no need to....oh wait.

>_<'

Road Kill 101

rookie: what’s a possum?
me: it’s an animal with a long nose, about as big as a cat, hangs in trees. why?
rookie: a customer said she found one dead in her pool.
me: (shows her a picture) this is what it looks like.
rookie: it’s ugly. it looks like a mouse. what does it eat?
me: not really sure. i think they go through people’s garbage like raccoons.
rookie: what’s a raccoon?
me: (shows her a picture).
rookie: that's cute.
me: yeah, but it can have rabies so don’t touch it if you see one.
rookie: when you’re driving on the freeway and you see dead animals are they possums?
me: sometimes. they can also be raccoons and skunks.
rookie: what’s a skunk?
me: (this child needs to visit a zoo or watch bambi) (shows her a picture). if you see one don’t get too close. it could spray you. the spray smells really bad.
rookie: interesting. what other animals are dead on the freeway?
me: deer. cats, sometimes birds.
rookie: people hit birds?
me: my dad did once. it left a grease stain on the windshield.
rookie: in china we don’t see dead animals on the road.
me: that’s because people in china eat everything.

Ah Cucharacha!

one of my coworkers was talking to me when another coworker comes over and says something in chinese. immediately the one who had been talking to me freaks out and looks like she's going to run for the hills. i look over in the direction of the terror expecting to see some paranormal activity, flood, or even a rat but no. it was a cochroach. seriously?

she's lived in china, worked in a chinese restaraunt and has lived in the City for years now. cochroaches are still scary to her? granted the one in the office was the size of a large paper clip. but it was just minding its own business. plus the ones in china are larger and they play dead. at this one hotel the thing was lying on its back and the moment it thought no one was watching it flipped over and scampered away.

as my two coworkers held onto each other for dear life i offered to go catch the thing but i couldn't get past them. they flag down a guy coworker who steps on it. i suggested he flush it down the toilet in case it knows how to play dead but he says he's killed it.

does he not know that cochroaches have survived things which have taken down dinosaurs? a simple shoe is not going to be enough.

i have this awful feeling it's going to want retribution later on.

The S Wedding

Saturday through Sunday I was gone.
Suddenly after the break of dawn.
Smokey was the air.
Sunburnt because of the sun's bright stare.
Smiley was my cousin all day.
Splendid were the vows hip hip hurray.
Saltier than the sea was the chicken.
Summer was the blessed season.
Screaming speech of guests due to the insane amounts of alcohols.
Sixty minutes the length of the bride's father's speech was all.
Solo still but thanks for asking.
Sad because we left before the dancing.
Snoring was my family.
Seething due to sleep depravity.
Sorry for the accident on 101.
Screwed over because i missed posey and the baseball fun.

Waking Up to the Smell of Burnt Toast

the wiring in my work’s break room is bad. in one power strip we have plugged in a microwave, water dispenser, toaster oven, coffee grinder and coffee maker. the power strip is constantly flickering. two of the remaining walls each have a large fridge plugged in. at any given time the whole room can crash. we can’t have the microwave and the toaster oven going at the same time otherwise the circut breaker breaks and it means cold meals for all.

the toaster oven may be the most used but the most neglected appliance up in there. it’s tiny. it hasn’t been cleaned ever. if it weren’t for the extreme temperatures some sort of life would be breeding in there by now.

also, if we don’t keep an eye on it, it’ll magically turn food into charcoal. one day a 2 minute toast is fine. the next day, briquettes anyone? if burning your food isn’t bad enough, the smell spreads throughout the entire office. so everyone knows your bagel’s now toast (bad joke bad). we end up with fans running all day so the smell doesn’t get to the lobby. the smell of burning bread is not an image we want to project to our clients. not unless we're selling campires, bbq, or some sort of trash buring service.

oddly though, no matter how strong the smell gets or how smokey the room becomes the fire alarm never sounds...i'm so glad i sit steps away from the lobby doors.

Are You a Sea Turtle?

i got to watch a world premiere musical at theatre works in palo alto. it’s called “Fly By Night”. since i have an in with somebody there i got to watch it for free.

one can’t complain when an invitation is extended to them. my plan was be polite and say thank you afterwards even if i didn't like it. but when i saw where the band was and heard the narrator speak i decided i wanted to like this. i hoped it wouldn’t suck. it didn't.

go see it. if you don't think my opinion is good enough the chronicle and the examiner gave it rave reviews (these papers are enemies but both agreed on this). i could go into detail why i liked it but i don't want to spoil anything so i'll just share a small conversation it triggered.

me: are you a sea turtle?
allen: maybe
me: are you headed for the highway?
allen: maybe
jocelyn: YOU WOULD PROBABLY GET RUN OVER.
allen: .......
me: would you be the one to run him over?
jocelyn: yes

Another Weekend and Yes Another Wedding

in a couple of hours i'll be at my cousin's wedding. every time i see his mother she tells me to settle down soon. my dad said not to take it personally since she was just worried about her son who wasn't married yet. so you'd think she'd be happy her last single kid is getting hitched. nope, she thinks the girl is in it for the green card. such a nice thing to say about your future daughter-in-law.

two weeks after this wedding another cousin is getting married. my cousin wanted to elope (i would've loved that. i'm skipping a giants game for his wedding) but his mom said he had to have a wedding. she's wants everybody to know he's getting married and yes this is another aunt concerned about my single status.

aunties need to chilax about my single status. when i find my soul mate he is going to be epic awesome. why epic? the man who chooses to love me despite my quirks and crazy blood line (see above) is going to have to be some sort of awesome (if not insane). but since i haven't found him yet i will try desperately not to roll my eyes and sigh when asked why i haven't found him yet. i don't want my annoyance to be mistaken for bitterness.

i should be glad they don't know the type of music i like. for example this cover. 'cause then they'd think my emo stems from being single and not simply from everything.

Thursdays with Ann

thursdays are when ann and i have our weekly call. i can't quite remember when we started but it was a way to keep in touch since she insists on living thousands of miles away. we communicate throughout the week through facebook too so you'd think the calls would be short but they average at about 3 hours or until my cell battery dies or when ann realizes it's super late.

(ironically since she's currently visiting CA i didn't call her this week. but anyway,) during one of our conversations one topic involved a t-shirt she got from the boys section. girl clothes are not made for girls like us. we aren't stick figures with extremely long torsos. the conversation went something like this.

ann: it says california on it.
me: aaawww
ann: there's a guy on a surf board with a sail on it. what's that called?
me: i dunno. kite surfing?
ann: no. dang, what is it? wind surfing. right?
me: sounds right to me
ann: i like this shirt. wait, it says "socal"
me: fail
ann: whatever, people from socal hate the term "socal" so it's really an insult to them
me: i didn't know that. well as long as it's not dodger colors we're ok.
ann: no it's not. wait, it's blue.
me: oh no
ann: and white
me: lol
ann: wait, there's a little green
me: oh ok, not the dodgers. wait, aren't those canuck colors?!
ann: oh. well no one is going to notice with the california, surf board and socal on it.
me: i will
ann: (is probably rolling her eyes at this point) yeah i don't like shirts for girls cause i don't like stuff like pink, flowery swirls and cats.
me: yeah 'cuz cats are the worse
ann: yes

strangely enough, ann did not bring this shirt with her while on her cali visit....

I Don't Not Love The Giants

i can't directly say what i want because we all know what happens to things i love.

lately, i've learned something about myself. i'm not a giants fan just because i like looking at buster posey. i am just as heavily invested in the team despite my favorite being out for the rest of the season. currently nate schierholtz is my favorite but not for the same reasons as buster posey (i'm superficial, remember?).

i'm superstitious to the point where i might have OCD. for the games i've been to this season i've worn my buster posey shirt along with my $5 hat while carrying my personalized jersey and the team has won each time. if i don't pay attention a rally gets started. i can't follow the game online because they tend to lose when i do. if i'm watching the game on tv and they're losing i change the channel and they tend to do better.

granted i probably can't decide the fate of a game let alone an entire season but who am i to question what works? besides, with buster posey and a chunk of the team out a little extra luck doesn't hurt. no worries about the OCD because i have ADD too which will distract me from whatever i am OCDing about so it'll balance out.

it was really nice getting to go to a bunch of games this season. twice i got to sit in seats so good i could tell who the players were without looking at the billboard. did you know the material around the pockets are thicker so it looks as though some of the players are wearing orange underwear? (don't judge me). if only buster posey was playing. i could've taken a really nice close-up shot of him or maybe even rushed the field to kidnap....hug him.

but i like the cheap seats more. the fans seem more likely to sing along to stuff and cheer loudly vs politely clapping and talking about how wonderful it is to have vegetarian options at the ball park. go eat a hot dog and live, dang it. also the guy who wears the orange wrestling mask only works up the crowd in the nosebleed sections.

i don't know what's going to happen this season but i don't care because i really like the team whether we win or lose. however if somehow me being there betters their chances of a repeat then i think it would be wise for you hardcore giants fans out there to buy me tickets.

"brandon crawford. is he black?" - multiple peoples.
"my hair is kinda orange so that counts as me wearing orange right?" - grace
"who's the guy with the beard?" - grace
"these cups could have herpes on them" - drew.
"kevin, congratulations on your 14 year old fiance" - drew
"two pants was not a good idea. i am not going to smell good later" - jocelyn.
"YOU WANT EXTRA INNINGS FOR SAUSAGES? I WILL BUY YOU SAUSAGES JUST STOP JINXING THEM!!!" - me
"that pepper was hella hot. if i lick here i can still taste it. spicy"- ann.

Say It Ain't So

this morning i got to work annoyed since i stayed up late to check the score for the giants game in which they lost. but then i looked at my outlook calendar and there in my list of scheduled of things to do was the giants game i'd be going to soon. just fifteen more days and i'd get to see buster posey in person. yay!

around lunch time i was cleaning around my desk and thought the underside of it made a good hiding space. so i crawled underneath and squatted there. i wondered if buster posey happened to also be squatting getting ready for tonight's game.

then i came back from lunch. i got an email titled, “depression”. i open it and the person says how sorry she is to hear about what happened to buster posey and wanted to cheer me up.

what was she talking about? i knew they lost the game but she’s never emailed me about losses. i heard he’s expecting twins but that’s a happy thing. so i went online and was greeted with the headline “Buster Posey Breaks Ankle”. i gasp and clasp my hands to my mouth. it's like i sucked my hands to my face and slapped myself. i click on the link and there’s an image of buster posey lying face down over home plate.

i haven’t cried in quite some time. the last time was around october. i didn’t cry but i could feel the tears swell up in my eyes and my heart drop as i read what had happened. then i got mad so i sat under my desk for awhile. then i watched video of what happened and i wasn’t as mad at the guy who hurt buster posey since he rushed over right after to check up on him. it's all part of the game. cathcers know what they're getting themselves into. the other guy wanted to score the winning run and if buster posey could tag him it be over. so he had to run him over, knock his mask off and break his ankle (oh, here comes the tears again).

but the whole thing had me rather upset. for a split second i really wanted a hug. since there was no one to immediately hug i gave up on that idea and went back to sitting underneath my desk.

buster posey is possibly out for the rest of the season. who am i suppose to shout flirtatious things to now?

awww buster posey. get well soon.

There's Gold in Them Litter Boxes

one of my coworkers asked me if i knew what the most expensive coffee is in the world. i don't drink coffee. it once took me two years to use up a starbucks gift card and it was only because i gave it away to someone who drank coffee.

she tells me it's a coffee from indonesia which is translated in chinese as "cat poo* coffee". the actual name is kopi luwak. cats eat coffee berries and then poop** the beans out whole. then the beans are picked out from the poop, cleaned, dried, roasted and then brewed into a cup of joe. it's not as bitter as a regular coffee and the aroma is suppose to be intense (i bet). an ounce of this is about $500.

i was disgusted by all this but it wasn't because someone out there was drinking coffee brewed from cat poop but that someone was paying so much for it. $500 for cat poo coffee? i'm sorry, i mean coffee beans leftover from cat defecation. yum.

i was almost tempted to start raising cats to make this coffee. i do know someone with cats, lots of them. well, they're not hers but they belong to her mom. as i was about to embark upon my plans of building a life upon people drinking poop, i learned it wasn't your typical household cat but a wild jungle cat which looks like it's been crossbred with a monkey. since i don't have readily access to a asian palm civet this plan will have to wait.

i do wonder though if i could feed jesse coffee beans just to test it out.

"don't forget our promise. we must never feed each other poo." - allen j (referring to jocelyn)

*poo
–noun informal
1. excrement.
–verb (used without object) pooed, poo·ing.
2. to defecate.
3. champagne. (From shampoo.) : How about another glass of poo?

**poop
[slang]
–noun
1. excrement.
–verb (used without object)
2. to defecate.
Origin:
1735–45; earlier “to break wind,” probably the same word as Middle English powpen, popen to sound or blow a horn

from dictionary.com

Kryptonite

i'd like to think i'm not a picky either. i can usually find something i like at a place. if i find something i like i'll will stick to ordering that one thing.

for example, my friends would go on and on about the salads at plutos over in davis. i finally got to go to the one in sf and in palo alto. both times on fridays. both times i have ordered the tri tip lunar dip. i should maybe try a salad but a steak sandwich is almost like a salad. it's just more crutons, more meat and minus the leafy veggies. it's taking the best parts of a salad and making it hand-held. it even comes with a shot of meat juice. ok, it's really meant for dipping but i've been really tempted to just drink that like a shot.

wait, that's not the point of this post. i haven't quite found a food i loathe but there is a food that loathes me. it's shrimp. it's the mermaid of foods to me. it sings its sweet song of the sea only to lure me to my death by cutting off oxygen to my brain.

i never know when this threat will strike. one day i had some in pasta no problem, next day a spring roll takes me down. i can eat dry shrimp no problem but one too many honey walnut problems and it's like venom.

it wasn't always this way. there was a time when i had no problem eating them. then one day i felt a tightness in my throat. it was my 21st birthday actually. at least i have a warning sign. i could've eaten my fill and then dropped dead.

in cases like this it be nice to not know what shrimp tastes like so i don't miss it. it especially sucks right now though because it's shrimp fest over at red lobster and i can't go to that. well, i could but i might not make it out.

"oh crap i forgot again." - jocelyn

The Post Formerly Known as Say My Name

i was in the middle of working on this post when i noticed another blogger had used the title i wanted to use. this is bound to happen considering this blogger is a genius as well. besides there was another blog on blogger called jenblue before this one came along so who am i to complain?

for the past week i decided not to call montana because there was some software glitches system wide so he would be busy. in the meantime, i sent him a birthday card. a few days later i decided to see if he had gotten it. he answered the phone and after a minute of greetings he asked who i was. i have him guess. he threw out a name and luckily it’s mine. then he proceeded to distract me with a story about unicorns in the bible. considering how common my name is i would say it was a lucky shot in the dark.

one could argue that a person can sound different when speaking on the phone versus in person but we’ve only spoken on the phone. my brain has concluded that our relationship has gone downhill. it’s expected since we live in separate time zones. it was only a matter of time before he’d find somebody new. was i too clingy? is my replacement younger than me? prettier? how could i not see this coming?

as i grappled with this montana told me he had to go and would call me back later. then he asked for my number which served as the kick you give someone when they’re already down. he once told me i was on his speed dial. did he forget, had i been deleted, or had it all been a lie?

he hasn’t called me back.

a friend said that it’s always been up and down between me and him. i shouldn’t jump to conclusions. there could be a perfectly logical explanation for this. but I’m not in the mood for logical so i'm going to blow this out of proportion.

i know what i am to him. i’m just one vendor on his list of hundreds of vendors. well, i don't need him. he may be the best tech in the dept and the most fun but it's over. it’s going to be a clean break since we have no property to divide up and no kids to worry about.

now, since i take my cues from pop culture i will need a rebound romance. most likely he will be a nice young piece of eye candy or i can adopt a baby from a foreign country.

i sorta miss montana now.

Post Responsibly

i was peeved with a situation at work and decided to vent about it on facebook but was reminded it would have consequences later on.

someone basically didn't do their job and when they finally did noticed a big boo boo with the software. of course this revelation occurs right before the person goes on vacation and so it was left up to me to contact the software provider. i don't even know how to use this software. how am i suppose to explain what is wrong when i can't even tell something is wrong? my boss was annoyed too but said it was up to me since i'm the most capable. this only makes me want to be as incapable as possible (but still get a pay check).

i vented about it in my profile. i wrote something like, "is sure her job description does not say, " clean up other people's half-butt jobs". i got plenty of sympathetic comments about it. it felt good to know others understood what i was feeling.

the next day one of my customers tells me to delete it so i did because she was worried i would be fired for it. i've seen the consequences of angry-posting. semi-anonymously blogging is much safer than posting on facebook where i would be attaching my name to a complaint regarding an employer.

i later learned that while i was angry-posting so was montana (awww, bffs). in addition he also unloaded an angry email, punched a hole in a door, and locked himself in the bathroom so he could avoid listening to what the other person had to say.

note to self: if montana ever visits me in CA i do not bring him to drew and syche's place.

A Naive Freshmen 15

a common complaint of new hires at work is weight gain. they don't seem to know why they pack on the pounds the first few months they arrive. the newest hire in my department says she is fat because she now weighs 135 lbs (i weigh more than that. is she calling me fat?).

whenever my department has a meeting we get breakfast. my coworkers shot down my suggestion because it wasn't healthy. one even had the audacity to say, "when i get their(mcdonald's) breakfast i throw the hash brown away". how could someone in their right mind throw away a perfectly good slab of hot salty crispy goodness? whatever, i've seen her eat hash browns many times. i'm not afraid of being the odd one out because i openly enjoy fried foods.

my coworkers settled on dim sum. one wanted 9 ha gaos per person (she fake hates hash browns and she's out to kill me). they had the new hire place the order. we each got a box containing 3 ha gaos, 2 pan-fried turnip cakes, 3 kinds of baos and 1 egg roll. hmm, i wonder where those extra pounds are coming from?

as my coworkers emptied their boxes i looked down at mine and thought, "in america we eat hand-held fried potato patties for breakfast not deadly shrimp-filled dumplings".

viva la hash browns!

In Sickness & In Health

i cyberstalked my way into acquiring a new facebook friend. i don't think he'll ever read this blog but in order to protect the names and identities of the innocent i will name him montana.

i think montana is my work husband. drew called him something else but it's not pc so i won't say what it is here. like most new relationships it was fun at first. we'd remember random things the other person said before, discuss who we thought was hot or not, and making little changes to accommodate the other person.

then the honeymoon period ended and i found myself wanting some space. maybe it's just that the newness wore off and we fell into a rut.

after not talking to him for about a week he wanted to know what had happened to me. i was out due to a cold. he said he was sick too and that i should stop copying him. he then tried to diagnose what i was sick with. it was really childish but i found the whole thing kinda charming especially when he tried to guess what my coughs sounded like by making different coughing sounds.

but i've learned he's just buying his time at his job until something better comes along. he still wants me to call even when he has a new job. not sure how that's going to work if i don't have his number. also he has the memory of a goldfish so he might remember to tell me when he does leave. well that's what facebook is for right?

"maybe you have mono. you know what that is right? the kissing disease. is there something you want to tell me?" - montana

"what is wrong with you? ok, i didn't mean for it to sound like that" - jocelyn.

"you can get a divorce but you're going to have to pay for it" - drew.

"when you said "'til death" did you mean yours naturally or menancingly as in my death by you?" - syche.

The Best Way to a Man’s Heart

i stumbled upon an article about a roast chicken recipe which has spawned over 70 wedding proposals. i swear i did not type “engagement tips” or “how to find a man tips” or "help me. the majority of my gal friends are either engaged, married or with children but i am not. what do i do?" into any search engines to find this recipe.

according to the article, once a gal makes this for her man, he tends to propose within days of eating it. now, i don't know how large of a pool we're talking about here or how accurate their measuring methods are. it could be 72 out of a million couples.

but what other factors could be at play if it's not based soley on this chicken?
- the guy can’t cook and when he found a gal who could he knew he would no longer have to eat crap ever again.
- this chicken was served during a special occasion where it would look bad if the guy didn’t propose. like grandparents were there constantly ribbing the guy to do it.
- it was out of guilt. the girl spent her entire life-savings to buy and prepare it.
- there was booze (a whole lotta booze).
- the chicken was served right before the gal said, “i’m late this month.”
- the guy got food poisoning, suffered from a hallucination, mistook it for a sign from above thereby leading him to propose.
- the guy was going to propose anyway but because of timing it just looked like the chicken had something to do with it

well, whatever the reason food is a happy thing and engagements are too so yay to roast chicken and rings (whatever, you try writing something witty while hopped up on cough syrup. let’s see how well you do).

For the article and the recipe, click here.

It’s Only a Game

maybe i’m still riding the wave of world series euphoria but my brain can’t separate the playoffs from the regular season. there are over a hundred games played during the regular season but for some reason my nerves tell me that each game counts.

since i’m not quite over baseball we’ll just have to make due with my current state of mind. my sister and i were having a conversation related to games, just not the same type. it went sorta like this:

sis: so i told the guy we’re not dating.
me: what?!
sis: he’s a good friend but i don’t see him as a boyfriend.
me: do you want to die?
sis: he’s not a violent person. i could kick his butt.
me: throw the jerk out! come on.
sis: that's kinda mean. i still want to be friends.
me: that's wrong. i should go down there right now and talk to him.
sis: he doesn’t even know you. i just don’t want to hurt his feelings.
me: he needs to wear his catcher outfit at all times. then he’ll be safe.
sis: what are you talking about?
me: the pitcher hit posey with a pitch. that's twice already. what's his problem?
sis: he just got him in the tummy. he’ll be ok.
me: that’s true. at least it wasn't in the face. then we’d have some real problems. (shakes fist menacingly at tv)
sis: is kim home yet? i want to talk to her.

A Thousand Words/Misunderstandings

i like working in a cubicle. i pretend it’s a fort and on rainy days i’ll leave my umbrella to dry in the cubicle’s entry way to prevent invaders from walking in uninvited (or coworkers from seeing me web surf). granted the walls are low and it’s not as private as an office but still it’s a person’s space.

for months i left my cubicle bare of personal effects then i noticed that nearly all my coworkers decorated with pictures of their spouses and offspring. so i decided to put up pictures too. one is of jocelyn taken at disneyland. she’s a bit of a mess and doesn’t look happy at all. she insists she was imitating beast but we all know it was probably because she was hungry. i keep it at work because the face she makes is how i feel at work sometimes. another is her school picture. both are posted on my cubicle wall next to a card with a cat on it and a picture of me right before the giant’s world series parade.

i didn’t think it be much of a problem until today.

we have an IT tech on site this week who’s been upgrading our workstations. he points to jocelyn’s school picture and asks what grade she’s in. he thought she was my kid. i say she’s my age which he doesn’t seem to believe. so, i go on to say she teaches science which is why she’s wearing goggles over her glasses. he’s glad i pointed that out because he thought she wore them because she was special. i'm not totally sure why i said it but all of a sudden i blurted out,

“oh, and she’s not my girlfriend either. i know this is SF but i don’t like girls in that way”.

as he laughed at what I said I realized he probably hadn't made that sort of assumption but it was too late.

next time, when the tech comes, i am putting all my pictures away.

User ID Revoked

You are now chatting with 'Amir'
Amir: Welcome to Secure Chat. I would be happy to assist you with your request today.
Jennifer: Hi Amir. Thank you. I would like to have my password reset please.
Amir: Your password has bee unlocked. Would you like to try your old password or would you like a new password?
Jennifer: Let me try my old password. If that doesn't work then let's go with a new one.
Amir: You changed it today
Jennifer: Yes. I thought I wrote it down correctly after I changed it but apparently I did not. How embarrassing.
Amir: LOL
Amir: Would you like me to reset it?
Jennifer: Ok I definately wrote it down wrong. FAIL.
Jennifer: Yes please reset it.
Amir: Hold on please
Amir: This will be your password XXXX. Would you please confirm you are able to successfully login?
Jennifer: Ok it worked. I even signed in a second time to make sure I wrote it down correctly this time. =P
Jennifer: Thank you for you help Amir. I will try hard not to lock myself out again today.
Amir: WRITE IT DOWN PLEASE
Amir: j/k
Jennifer: lol
Amir: Thank you for chatting with us. we value your feedback. Please click the "Close" button at top right to answer a few questions about your experience with us today. Have a great day!
Jennifer: Thank you. Have a nice evening.
Amir: U 2

Which of These is Not Like the Others?

i went to a wedding this weekend.

the bride got teary-eyed which was sweet. i made a new friend. he's dark haired, friendly, and loves treats. i was kinda turned off he kept trying to kiss drew. the little four-legged hussy (the dog, not drew. drew only has two legs. also, drew is not a hussy).

for the bouquet toss(of shame) they had us outside in the driveway. the theme to jaws was playing as people, bundled up in their winter coats, waited eagerly to see which unlucky lady in love would finally have the white wedding ever little girl dreams of.

as i stood there watching the competition jockeying for position i knew i was now a minority when it comes to being a single girl in my group of friends. my closest girl friends are either dating or married. the only other single pal is miles away in florida away from the crazy.

it kinda feels like the time when everyone was getting a blog and i decided to hold out for as long as possible or when everybody got facebook. i feel like people are in this prestigious club i'm expected to join but can't because i'm missing something.

but why should i let something like this bother me? this all goes back to something someone said two years ago about my future. she saw a ring in it. i've seen lots of rings since then, on the fingers of others. maybe she meant the people around me and not me specifically. if she meant me then i guess her powers aren't as in tune as she had me believe. somewhere a pack of restless spirits are probably pissed she didn't really lead them to the afterlife.

as all these thoughts swirled in my head like the wind through my deflated curls i decided i wasn't going to act like a nut.

as the bouquet flew into the air i knew what i had to do. i watched as the bouquet was savagely beaten down with its blood red petals hemorrhaging everywhere. it landed in front of me. all i had to do was bend down and it would be mine. it would no longer be a matter of if but when. all my problems would be solved. but as an act of defiance i stepped back as someone else went for it.

perhaps my destiny was to grab it. now i may be doomed forever to die alone. woe is me for challenging destiny.

oh and wouldn't you know it? the girl who ended up with the bouquet hadn't planned on getting married ever. it's not her thing.

take that destiny.

The Power of Social Networking/Cyber-stalking

there has been some major political upheaval in the middle east thanks to social networks. i could write more about that but i'll leave it to more reputable sources such as CNN and the AP to do that.

here's the flip side to it. there's a guy who i've been talking to over the phone for months because of work. one day he sends me an email and i learned what his last name was. using a few clues i've picked up i was able to locate him online. i can't stress the importance of strict privacy settings people. one day he mentions how he just bought lady gaga's cd and i tell him i was surprised since he's a fan of her facebook page. cue in awkward pause. so i confess i looked him up online. he gasps and says he can't believe i would cyberstalk him. we agree to be facebook friends. we're totally not each other types so there's no need to guess how long it'll take me to become smitten with him. also i think he's been avoiding my calls ever since.

another instance of social networking's dangers? months ago my family went to dinner with friends and their kids. one of the parents decided i would be a good match for her nephew. if i had nickel for every time a parent felt i was good for their family member i'd be rich, still single yes but rich. now there's a dinner planned for me to meet him. the parents and a few other people will be there because my favorite thing is to meet a guy with an audience. my aunt gives me the guy's name to see if i know him because the asian christian community in sf is hecka tiny. my sister pulls the name on a social network site and shows me pictures of the guy even though i asked her not too. why wouldn't i want to know what he looks like? because i'm vain.

i wish i could say looks don't matter but they do and they shouldn't considering i'm not hot and i don't exactly have a line of suitors lining up for me outside my door. years from now physical appearances will change and we'll all end up looking like prunes so i should look at what's on the inside but it's hard. the outside is right there. he's probably found me online by now and is thinking the exact same thing. if not, then he may be too decent of a person for me.

as wonderful as social networking can be it's not without its perils. oh well, time to earn my flair credits for the day.

Being Jewish During Christmas

customer: happy valentine's day.
me: i'm not into that but thank you. the same to you as well.
customer: *huffs* well, excuse me lady.
me: *snickers* love you too.

vendor: ...and you have a happy valentine's Day.
me: okaaaay. thanks i think.
vendor: what?
me: i'm single. i don't celebrate valentine's day
vendor: uh well, i don't either since i'm a guy and it's not a big deal to me. but since you're a girl i thought maybe it mattered more. not that i'm going around saying it to all the girls. it's 'cause i like you. i mean i like talking to you.
me: i didn't meant to get you all flustered. i just don't celebrate it.
vendor: yeah me neither i'm single too so it doesn't affect me. i just thought i should say it since it's a holiday and all
me: sweetheart, unless i get the day off it ain't even worth my time. but thank you. i appreciate the thought.

Taking Things for Granted

when i was overseas i learned to appreciate the basic things i took for granted in america such as english, ac and not having to cling to my valuables every time i was in public. i missed sitting toilets the most. not all restrooms in china are toilet bowls. some are just holes in the ground with no flushing capabilities.

at work in addition to having sitting toilets we also have toilet seat protectors. on more than one occasion, i've walked into a specific stall to find it a hot mess. i have deduced either a man has been using a toilet in the women's restroom or someone isn't sitting on the toilet and not using the protectors. at least the user flushes but a wet toilet seat is gross especially when you know it ain't water sprinkled on the seats and all over the floor.

i'm not the only one who has noticed. once i found the same toilet seat covered in not one but three sheets of clean cover protectors. that seemed to get the message across because the seat has stayed clean.

then recently, i go in to find the toilet seat is clean but now it has been left up.

seriously, is the line for the men's room that long that a dude has been peeing in the same place designated for chicks?!!!

Crescent Rolls and other Scary Things

as i was sitting in the den typing away with my frozen fingers i got to thinking i would very much like a hot flaky buttery roll. but in order to do this i would have to purchase rolls, open the package and prepare them in the oven. not too scary right? wrong.

over christmas, i learned i am afraid of opening the canister crescent rolls come in. i don't like the idea of the tube popping open as i remove the wrapper. how do i know it's not actually going to explode blowing my fingers off? that would be a weird disclaimer on a food product, "caution: may blow fingers off".

imagine my annoyance when after all the paper is peeled off the canister does absolutely nothing. so i yell at it. gingerly tap it with a spoon. try to peel the cardboard off. nothing. perplexed, i decide to climb a stepladder and drop the thing onto the counter. i do and to my horror it explodes sending bits and pieces of unbaked dough all over the counter blinding me in the process and causing me to fall off the stepladder shattering my hip.

just kidding. the thing just popped revealing the spongy golden colored contents inside. the rolls were baked leading to much rejoicing on christmas eve night.

as i get older i learn there are lots of things to be scared of but it's pointless to let them become road blocks. it's better to face those things head on (and maybe eyes partially covered). you may find they weren't that scary to begin with.

i need to remember this the next time i have to use matches or am faced with an audit at work.

sister: quack quack QUACK
me: why are you doing that?
sister: i'm quacking like a duck. QUACK!
me: i know but why?
sister: just felt like it.
me: ok then.

SAC to LA to SAC

jocelyn: i saved kevin a bite of churro.
me: ....
jocelyn: whatever, it's not like he really wanted it anyway. if he does he can buy his own.
me: you are a good girlfriend.

vacation time always goes by faster than work time.

there was lots of eating. i haven't weighed myself yet but i'm pretty sure the scale isn't going to tip in my favor. i could go on the exercise bicycle but it has been earmarked to go the the salvation army. because the first thing the poor need is an exercise bike. no, most likely the proceeds from the sale of the bike will go to them.

back to the food. i finally tried the hamburger my friends have been raving about. i was very impressed they were able to cook it to rare (rare is not pink red robin). after the first bite i was full. there are two kinds of full. stomach full and tastebuds full. my tastebuds were full. it was worth the long line for the best french onion soup i've ever had. i've had onion soup like 3 times but still, the best. i finished a ice cream soda with scoops as large as my fists. who knew chicken skin could be so tasty. i also accomplished something. i read about the kogi food truck down in socal and really wanted to try it. short rib tacos are so good. i ended the year at sandra d's.

i got to do some of my favorite things. there was the baking of bars which took days to make due to multiple trips for ingredients. i watched 2 good movies, inception and the departed. i got to try little big planet. i died many times. jocelyn killed 16 of my sheep during settlers. i need a boyfriend just so i'm guaranteed an alliance when i play. transformers is so crazy.

disneyland was ok. with the money they make they should be able to control the weather. walking around in wet shoes and socks weren't fun. ponchos are fun. the rain did weed out the weak so the lines were short. we found the vinylmations we wanted despite encountering a should not even be allowed to enter the magic kingdom as a guest cast member. chip hit on me. fake snow does not make up for 3 hours of waiting for fireworks in the cold. the extra at the end of world of color shows how good disney's marketing is. we made someone's day when we gave them our space mountain fast passes.

i used the sticks to play the drums on rockband 3 but at a cost. it was fun at first until i felt a blister forming on my right pinky. in all i gained 2.5 blisters. then during one set i felt a stinging feeling. i shook it off at first determined to play through sons and daughters for the 3rd time. when it was done i caught something red in the corner of my eye. blood trickled from the knuckle of my right index finger. i was more surprised than in pain. after that i went back to the bass.

i had fun and my tummy is very happy but it's nice to be home despite the mountain of work that awaits me.

"they should either be victorious or dead" - megatron.

Goodwill Towards Men...at 50% Off

christmas time has passed. as well as the timeliness of this post. but i'm going to post it anyway because i really like the title i came up with.

the worse time to shop are the weeks surrounding the holidays. the entire last quarter of the year is devoted to shopping. christmas is pretty much tailgating halloween(poor thanksgiving, the forgotten middle child). one minute candy comes wrapped in orange and black the next red and green.

i have nothing against presents. it's nice to know someone took the time to go out and get something for you especially when you realize how many people they had to battle to get the something.

people need to calm down. where's the peace on earth and the mercy mild? shouldn't the holidays gives us a sense of togetherness? honking your horn will not make things go faster. blocking the free sample table and eating every single sample on the tray is not sampling.

this year i will start my christmas shopping early. cheese logs i buy now should last until next december yes?