Coming Soon to a Bookstore Near You

One thing I miss about Ann is her sense of humor because it’s very much like mine. Not only will she let an idea of mine run away she’ll help it pack.

Currently we were discussing how I will someday write a parenting book even though I don’t have any children myself and do not interact with them on a daily basis. Not physical children anyways. Here’s what I have so far.

Chapter One: The enemy
- Children are nature’s perfect biological weapons. The germs they carry won’t kill them but can easily take down a full grown adult.
- They eventually become the future work force that will force you out of the job you have now.

Chapter Two: The Balloon is Your Friend
- In addition to distracting a child, balloons serve another purpose. Write your child’s name and an arrow pointing to him/her on the balloon. Tie this balloon to your child at all times. Be sure said balloon is inflated and replaced when necessary. When you find yourself in the middle of an amusement park you’ll have an easy way to identify your child if he/she happens to wander off. This is a safe and economical way of tracking your child.

Chapter Three: The Leash is Your Friend
- Parents should not have more children then they do hands. If they do, each child must be kept on a leash for better control and management. If you find yourself the parent of fourteen, there is no need to purchase one leash for each. Leash technology has come a long way. Some leashes split into multiple prongs. This may be a more desirable method if the balloon method for tracking does not work for you. Your child could be allergic to latex or you may have so many children you could be mistaken as the Grand Marshall of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.

Chapter four: It's a Never Ending Cycle

Closing Thoughts
- Just don't have kids.
- I’m not any kind of child expert nor do a claim to be. I am however a single person and am not easily taken in by their charms. Therefore I am the perfect third party observer of them.
- If you don’t agree with me fine. But you wouldn’t need this book if you didn’t have them in the first place. You would probably be reading the great American novel instead but you don't have the time. I wonder why.
- Thank you for purchasing my book. Without you I would not become a New York Times Best Seller with tons of disposable income because I don’t have offspring to support.

So if things work out this should come out in the next decade unless I find myself a parent by then and will have neither the time nor the energy to complete it.

Light Bulb Moment

Sometimes my sisters and I can talk to each other without it resulting in a shouting match. For example, we were discussing donuts and came to agree on the donut hole as the overall favorite. One of them didn't get how they could be called holes if they had no hole in them. We explained to her they were the middles of donuts.

One sister brought up teasing and how as young girls we’re told that a boy who teases you likes you. Don't worry about the lack of respect this boy has for you by causing you discomfort because he likes you. As a result some women end up with jerks. If they believe teasing equals fondness then abuse must equal love. No wonder the phrase “nice guys finish last” seems true. If we are taught as children that teasing is a sign of affection we assume this person is a suitor. Any nice interaction is automatically taken to be platonic. It’s time to break away from this way of thinking. Teasing should not be awarded with a valentine or giggles. It should be met with a restraining order.

“I’ve reached my hug quota for the year, possibly for the rest of my life” – me (on the day of the baptism).