What Would Jenny (Craig) Do?

i'm not a go on a diet sort of person. but I’ve gained some weight since my trip. here’s a timeline of my attempt(s) to get back to my pre-vacation weight.

friday
my pants are feeling kinda tight. i did just wash them. oh crap, there’s a tear on the inner thigh. wait, no, there are tears on both inner thigh areas. dang, this is my favorite pair of jeans. can i patch them up? probably not a good idea. that would just draw attention to my crotch.

saturday
i really shouldn’t have another crumpet. but they don’t have crumpets in america. crumpets are like crusty pancakes. fine plain wheat toast and a piece of chocolate for breakfast and the rest of my sister’s crumpet (smothered in honey).

sunday
so tired but must go out to dinner for mom’s birthday. still tired, must force down this piece of cake, red bean soup, and another piece of beef.

monday
time to get on the scale. i can’t find it. oh well.

tuesday
thanks mom for letting me know where the scale was. i gained six pounds. wait how much did I weigh before my trip? based on the weight listed on my license from 6 years ago i only gained two pounds. i’m still wearing all my clothes. that’s like what, an extra two pounds. so i broke even then. no I gained six. that would explain my pants.

she’s going to order a salad?! i should do that. i don’t want salad. i want a steak sandwich with cheese. if i get peppers with it there’s my veggie. hey they have mushrooms. no peppers then. onion is a vegetable. fries too. no wait, carb. sigh, i should’ve gotten the onion rings. cream cheese pastry! i’ll eat half. oops, i ate the whole thing.

weds
chips or mango slices. mango slices. butter or salmon on bagel...both.

it’s 10pm i should eat light. if jack in the Box wins i can get two tacos. those have lettuce in them. dang in and out won. cheeseburger with milkshake but no i won’t order any fries. i’ll just eat hers.

thursday
that sandwich was not enough. but i have this pack of ramen. it looks so lonely. i have a can of vienna sausage, bffs.

i shouldn’t eat this cannoli but since you offerred. ice cream too? NO, i will eat you tomorrow ice cream (for breakfast) then i will eat healthier. i will pack a nice healthy lunch tomorrow. i will get rid of those six pounds. shoot, work is buying us chinese food for lunch tomorrow.

saturday then! Wait, that’s when splurging begins. monday then!

Elegant Sale

at daly city BART there are two businesses located within the paid areas of the station. one is a flower shop run by an elderly asian women who's there every week day. a few weeks ago she wasn’t there but her husband was. a week later the shop closed with a sign reading, “Shop Temporarily Closed Due to Health Problems”. yesterday there was a new sign next to that one which read, “Flower Shop for Sale”.

i was tempted to call the number listed under the sign. i have no plans to sell flowers but i'm curious as to what happened to the woman who ran the shop. the shop has been there for at least a decade. did she retire? is she still sick? did she pass away? it’s not like i knew her. i said hi to her once because i almost ran into her.

on one occasion, my high school friends and i stopped by the shop on our way to go ice skating in the City. two of the guys wanted to surprise their special lady friends with flowers. one bought a large stuffed animal, flowers and a very large bow for the flowers (the bow was lost on BART later). the other bought a single flower because he wanted to keep it subtle. the flower shop lady worked pretty quickly and had both orders made up nicely. the girls were pleased with their flowers.

it makes me wonder how many other special occasions this flower shop took part in. anniversaries? welcome home? congratulations? birthdays? mother’s day? i’m sorry for being a good for nothing dog but please take me back?

but i guess i'll never know since the nice little old lady who ran it won’t be there anymore.

Au-some

so i'm currently writing from the land down under. that's right i'm on a different continent. i'd thought i'd do one international post in this lifetime.

here are a few observations:

the water swirls differently in toilets.

toilet not restroom.

vans are trucks and trucks are vans.

rugby, cricket and soccer are the sports they have on tv.

don't drink directly from the tap here.

ketchup is known as tomato sauce.

they are so racist here they make jocelyn and allen j (combined) seem p.c.

there are barely any black, mexican or filipinos here.

their currency is called dollar. things are about double what they cost in the U.S.

they are the most obese country in the world.

they have take away no take out.

they can smoke outside indoor areas right next to the doorways.

driver side is the right side. they drive on the left side of the road.

metric system.

brothels are legal here.

they call mcdonalds mackers.

their kfc is bland and the chicken pieces are tiny.

kangaroos are in zoos and in super markets. tastes like rare short ribs.

awesome is what they want to be.

they do not have hup to ha here.

nearly everyone owns an iphone.

they love jersey shore and worship snooki.

they eat crumpets for breakfast.

national dishes include meat pies, chicken parma and lamb.

ufc is illegal.

flashing of butt crack is the norm.

$5 foot long will cost you $7 and they don't have provolone or monterey jack chese.

they are no jack in the boxes.

america wins.