Friday, October 24, 2014

FACT: Did Not Buy Poop

Day 1
Me: Why does the car smell fishy?
Dad: It does?
Me: Did you go shopping lately? For fish maybe?
Dad: No. Maybe it's the jacket I'm wearing.

Day 2
Me: It still smells like fish. Did you wash your jacket?
Dad: I'm not even wearing the same jacket as yesterday.
Me: You sure you didn't buy fish or something. It smells like rotten fish.
Dad: I'm positive.

Day 5
Me: Ok, something is definitely wrong. It still smells really bad, like public restroom or butt hole.
Mom: Oh good, I was trying to figure out what your car smelled like. Not knowing really bothered me.

Day 9
Me: Dad, did you go shopping at all, for anything, in this car recently?
Dad: I did last week. Why?
Me: (hands him carton of milk). This was lodged under the driver's seat for a week. Now we know why my car smells like concentrated blue cheese butt.
Dad: I'm glad you found the milk. I thought I bought milk but when I didn't see it in the bag I thought I forgot to buy it. 
Me: I asked if you went shopping so many times last week. You said no.
Dad: You said for fish.
Me: Fish was just a guess because it smelled like fish. It now smells like poop. So if it smells like poop right now, should I ask if you bought poop?
Dad: OK, I know for a fact I did not not buy poop at the grocery store last week.
Me: .........

It Has Come to This

A coworker asked if I was still going to school. I finished school about 9 years ago.

It's crazy when I think about how long I've been out of school. I've been single for that same amount of time. I use to get comments like, "Oh you're still young", "Take your time", "It'll happen before you know it". Now it's mostly, "Career first am I right?", "What are you waiting for?" or my favorite "Don't give up. It'll happen".

People have tried and I appreciate the efforts made.  There was one guy with Asian fever, one who was at least 10 years my junior, one who spent the whole night talking to his cousin, one who kept talking down to his mother (yes he brought his mother), one 11 years my senior, one divorcee, one divorcee with a 13 year old and one lawyer (there was nothing wrong with him being a lawyer just geography issues). But none of them led to anything. Is it wrong to expect people to bring their A game at the first meeting? I bring mine. Also, I hella want to win because I am unreasonably competitive.

I've noticed one growing trend with some. Green card. That's right. I've been approached by people who are trying to find US citizens to marry. Long gone are the days where coming to America is a bridge for a better life. Quite often these people have already made their fortunes overseas but are trying to move it all to the US before their government takes a cut.

Such matchmakers receive a finder's fee. Of course these matchmakers are never upfront about their motives. They make it seem like they're doing me the favor. None have offered me a monetary cut.

Here are some of the questions I get.
1. Are you a US citizen?
2. Do you plan on staying in the US for a while?
3. Do you speak Chinese? It's ok if you don't, you can learn.
4. Would you be ok with signing a prenup?
5. How would you feel about getting divorced in 5 years?
6. Are you ok with not living together after the wedding?
7. Would it bother you if his ex wife and kids lived with him once you get married?

I'm not a dumba**. It makes me mad especially when these same matchmakers are married and have daughters of their own. Would they want the same thing for their kids?

One matchmaker was actually an aunt (through marriage). She went on and on about how she knows me and how this would be good for me. Hello! If this guy isn't good enough for your single daughter he isn't good enough for single me. She balked when I suggested her daughter meet him.

The conversation made me feel pretty awful. Had I really reached a point where if I wanted to get married I would have to settle for a temporary paper marriage?

Marriage is not a business arrangement. This is America. In America we marry for love and divorce at the first sign of trouble.

Always October (every even year)

It's an even year. Guess who's in the World Series again.

Unlike the last one, I'm in the country this time.

It was awful being away knowing the Giants were in the playoffs. I wouldn't know the status of games until I got back to the hotel at night or when I woke up in the morning. I still remember how Twitter was ablaze with Barry Zito support tweets. It was surreal landing back on US soil on the day of the celebration parade and being able to watch the whole thing on TV.

It's two years later. I'm on American soil but I'm not watching the games. WTF? You may ask. Why would I not watch every single second if I'm at home and it's being shown on network TV?

Because, that's what a good fan does. You do whatever it takes to help the team. You eat the same food. You watch the game from the same spot. You wear the same shirt for days. Whatever it takes even if that means not watching the game.

Maybe I should clarify.

During the year I noticed the team wouldn't do so well whenever I watched games on TV (It was a mixed bag with watching games at the park). The other team would do really well when I was watching. There aren't many games shown on network TV and I have no cable so it was hard to say for sure.

It was during the playoffs when my theory started to make sense. During the series with the Nationals the Giants won all the games that I didn't watch. The one game they lost I happen to walk by a bar while the game was on, watched a few seconds of it, and the Giants lost. During the series with the Cardinals, yup that was probably me too. I was at a Chili's eating enchiladas when it looked like Duffy had saved the day. Nope, walk-off win by the Cards.

My friends insisted I was being ridiculous. There's no way me watching could affect the outcome of the game. I don't have that sort of power/curse.

Confirmation reared its head during the last game of the Cardinal series. My friends bought way too much fried chicken (at the best Popeyes located in Colma where they give you hella hot sauce) and going to another friend's place to eat. The Giants were trailing for a while. When I left the room, Michael Morse hit a home run to tie the game. I come back and Cards load the bases. I leave the room again and the Giants were able to pitch out of it. So I decided to stay out of the room. The Giants got on base. Then it got eerily quiet.

My friends looked at me. One of them sadly said, "Jennifer, you can never watch baseball again". Ishikawa hit a walk-off home run to win the game. They were going to the World Series.

So yeah, now I can't watch any World Series games. 

You're welcome fellow Giants fans.

Me: Ok which Giants player would you want to present you with a world series ring? Doesn’t have to be on the active roster. Can be any player in the team’s history.
Ann: JT SNOW! Or Barry Zito. Ok, so who would you….never mind. Stupid question.   
Me: I thought we were friends

Friday, December 27, 2013

One of Three, Part IV: Reception


Then it was off to the reception. I wish I could say I spent days working on my toast. In reality I was lying awake the night before the wedding trying to come up with something.

“I’ve known my sister almost three decades now. It was difficult when she and our sister showed up. I spent my first two years as an only child. Oddly enough I can only remember life with them around. It was up to me to protect them. I had to be a big sister.

When we were little we’d fight all the time. We still fight sometimes but not physically (because I can just sit on her). She can be incredibly stubborn when you argue with her but she will use that same stubbornness to stand up for the people around her or to convince you to go work out. Also, she’s a bit crazy.

I’ve seen how grown up my little sister has become. She’s found a really good guy who’s willing to put up with her. When I first met him I found him to be way too normal. He is the kind of guy you want to marry your sister. He is the first guy any of us has brought home where my dad did not have a complaint about. In fact after meeting him for the first time my dad said, “I’m a little bit worried. Your sister might scare him off”.

I didn’t know I would like having a brother until I met the guy. He’s tall enough to reach high shelves and he is thoughtful with gifts. He eats everything so we don’t have to worry about leftovers. If anything my mom makes sure we buy extra food whenever he comes over. He also stays calm and doesn’t panic which is perfect because my sister does neither of those things. No matter how awful a day my sister is having her face just lights up when he’s around.

They don’t complete each other since they’re complete individuals. But they are each other’s compliment.

So congratulations to my little sister and to her husband. I feel better as a big sister knowing that my little sister will be well taken care of. I wish you both all the happiness in the world and then some”.

At the end of the night my sister and her groom drove off in an old-timey taxi. I found myself wrapping and packing. While that was happening my sister’s polite quiet groomsman was drunk and spitting off all sorts of profanities. He even gave the wedding planner the Nazi salute.

I was relieved to be on the road heading home. After I scrubbed off my make-up, it was off to bed until the next adventure which would begin 5 hours later.

One of Three, Part III: Ceremony


It was then time to stand by for the ceremony.

I asked my groomsman to carry tissues because I had no pockets. He did and proudly showed them to me. I was able to walk down the stairs but then my groomsman tripped. We would’ve fallen to our deaths had I not sunk my heels in. I get why women wear such tall shoes now. Super cleats!

By the time the bride got down the stairs she was crying. It wasn’t a pretty cry where tears gently roll down her face. When it was time for my dad to give her away, he wouldn't let go. My other sister kept staring at the floor because she didn't want $200 dollars in make up to smear. I stared to tear-up. A large photo of the groom’s mom was on a chair in the front row. She had passed away a few years ago. The groom’s sister promised she would keep a straight face but when I looked at her she was bawling.

I signaled for the tissues but my groomsmen simply smiled at me. No you idiot the tissues! Don’t wave HI at me! Thank you for the thumbs up about my dress but I want the tissues. Gah! I knew something like this would happen so I had stuffed my bra with tissues. I would lift my bouquet up to hide what I was doing, pull a tissue out then hand it to my sisters. I made sure to switch off so I still looked even.

One of the guests remarked at how the ceremony reminded her of the wedding scene out of twighlight which is good because that’s what my sister was going for. Just like twilight we had plenty of sparkly pale-skinned people at ceremony.