Dear Hair

i am sorry.

i put convenience above you and now look what has happened.

i spoke in chinese and instead of a trim you became a short cut.

i should have not forced one side of you to comply with the other.

i know it hurts you when others see and turn away in horror.

I know it confused you when so and so said "i didn't recognize you in that cut because it makes you look japanese".

i know it's not funny when we wake up in the morning and you look as though you've exploded.

i know it burns when i use the straightener.

if it makes you feel better we can be two-face for halloween. one side can be cutesy bob and the other can simulate wind blowing through it. you'll look really cool.

in a few weeks you'll grow back to your former glory. it'll be ok.

oh i forgot, the wedding we'll be in 2 weeks from now. many will see what i have done to you.

dear hair,

i am sorry.

BC 2

For a few weeks we got a bit of a break. Except for the occasional attack in the outskirts it looked as though we were finally winning the war. Their numbers seemed to be dwindling. Deaths were no longer a daily occurence.

People could once again wear skirts and short sleeves to work. No more inhalling of chemicals. No more having their blood (our blood technically) on our hands. No more flinching every time something flew by.

Then came the campaign to clean up. The carpets were in need of a wash. It seemed like a good idea at the time. We had taken out the enemy and it was time to rebuild.

As we moved away the boxes we discovered where the enemy had lay dormant. Before we knew it they came at all sides. The weeks of inactivity had made us soft. Our enemies had been regroup and were attacking once again as hungry as ever.

Once again we find ourselves armed with bug repellant, long sleeves and paranoia. I don't know how much longer I can take this. Their corpses lay strewn on walls, computer monitors, wrapped up in tissues. We'll look back someday and ask ourselves how we could've let this happen.

I miss the days of not being eaten alive by bugs.

It's a Love Story

We are bombarded with images and messages of what a romantic loving act should look like. They can range from the dramatic like eliminating those responsible for loved one's death (i'm looking at you jack bauer. oh crap i forgot *spoiler alert*. that should go in the front of the spoiler huh? oh well). to the cheesy like giving someone a puppy. (Has any one ever looked at what the puppy has left behind once it is released from its box? How would you react if you were stored in a box in the dark while all around you is the sound of paper tearing and people squealing? Yeah ain’t so cute of an image now is it?) The current trend seems to be engagements and weddings. The ultimate sign of affection seems to be the image of a gal with a sparkly ring on her finger for the rest of her life. This is not a knock on the institution and ceremony surrounding marriage only an observation. Pitchforks down.

Basically, I want to highlight how a little mistake can turn into an opportunity to show what it means to love somebody in a low-key way. The names of the parties weren’t included in order to protect their identities.

I was out with some people when my friend was on his way to get rid of us…I mean drop us off when he gets a call. His wife had left her car keys in the car. He had been working all day and had more work in the morning. I knew he was tired since he even passed on watching the Tony awards. It’s 10 o’clock at night and she’s located about an hour away. He tells us he must go home first to get the spare keys. Meanwhile she tells him that people are trying to help her get her car door open and he might not have to drive over. So he stands for a second thinking and decides to make the drive anyway. I’m dropped off first since work in the morning. I could tell how concerned he was for his wife since he didn’t even wait for me to find my keys and open the door. Lone minority female about to enter her house on a cold dark foggy night totally screams first kill in a slasher-horror flick does it not? Luckily yours truly was not killed and lived to tell you this story.

i don't know how it ended. i'll assume they lived happily ever after as long as he didn’t cave in and let one of his buzzed friends drive the car on the return trip.

May Showers Bring Scams

i got an anonymous comment regarding the "April Showers Bring May Showers" post. i was feeling trigger happy and deleted it before i could save it. oh the perils of ADD.

it said i won a $10k reward in the cynicism category for a blog contest. finally! My being cynical and writing about it has paid off. Tell your kids to drop out of school and start blogging because emo pays big bucks. if i keep at it i'll be able to quit my day job and buy a house on main street located in disneyland where every morning I'll have the pleasure of watching mickey grimace as i eat pancakes in the shape of his face. muhahahahaha!

but to claim my $10k cash prize i had to send in a $150 late entry fee to an address in nigeria. could they not tell by my many posts that i'm a suspicious and paranoid person? oh and I'm cheap. if I'm going to hesitate buying a large action figure of a certain actor depicting a certain vulcan why would i mail monies to some random blog group in nigeria ???!!! we're talking about $150 and a good amount of postage here. by they time they convert my check to Nigerian funds they'll be hardly any money left what with the collection fees and all. so really by me not sending in the money we're saving both sides time, effort and money. also, i didn't even enter into this contest. it's not fair to the good people who actually submitted an entry on time. how could I a champion advocate for following the rules make an exception for myself? I wouldn't feel right about this.

oh and that figure i bought is not coming out of the box 'cuz I don't want some barbie floozy getting her hands on him. she can go get herself that Jacob doll (which is completely shameless. the doll is sold shirtless and is the same price as an edward doll which comes fully clothed).