Friday, December 27, 2013

One of Three, Part IV: Reception

6/25/2013

Then it was off to the reception. I wish I could say I spent days working on my toast. In reality I was lying awake the night before the wedding trying to come up with something.

“I’ve known my sister almost three decades now. It was difficult when she and our sister showed up. I spent my first two years as an only child. Oddly enough I can only remember life with them around. It was up to me to protect them. I had to be a big sister.

When we were little we’d fight all the time. We still fight sometimes but not physically (because I can just sit on her). She can be incredibly stubborn when you argue with her but she will use that same stubbornness to stand up for the people around her or to convince you to go work out. Also, she’s a bit crazy.

I’ve seen how grown up my little sister has become. She’s found a really good guy who’s willing to put up with her. When I first met him I found him to be way too normal. He is the kind of guy you want to marry your sister. He is the first guy any of us has brought home where my dad did not have a complaint about. In fact after meeting him for the first time my dad said, “I’m a little bit worried. Your sister might scare him off”.

I didn’t know I would like having a brother until I met the guy. He’s tall enough to reach high shelves and he is thoughtful with gifts. He eats everything so we don’t have to worry about leftovers. If anything my mom makes sure we buy extra food whenever he comes over. He also stays calm and doesn’t panic which is perfect because my sister does neither of those things. No matter how awful a day my sister is having her face just lights up when he’s around.

They don’t complete each other since they’re complete individuals. But they are each other’s compliment.

So congratulations to my little sister and to her husband. I feel better as a big sister knowing that my little sister will be well taken care of. I wish you both all the happiness in the world and then some”.

At the end of the night my sister and her groom drove off in an old-timey taxi. I found myself wrapping and packing. While that was happening my sister’s polite quiet groomsman was drunk and spitting off all sorts of profanities. He even gave the wedding planner the Nazi salute.

I was relieved to be on the road heading home. After I scrubbed off my make-up, it was off to bed until the next adventure which would begin 5 hours later.

One of Three, Part III: Ceremony

6/25/13

It was then time to stand by for the ceremony.

I asked my groomsman to carry tissues because I had no pockets. He did and proudly showed them to me. I was able to walk down the stairs but then my groomsman tripped. We would’ve fallen to our deaths had I not sunk my heels in. I get why women wear such tall shoes now. Super cleats!

By the time the bride got down the stairs she was crying. It wasn’t a pretty cry where tears gently roll down her face. When it was time for my dad to give her away, he wouldn't let go. My other sister kept staring at the floor because she didn't want $200 dollars in make up to smear. I stared to tear-up. A large photo of the groom’s mom was on a chair in the front row. She had passed away a few years ago. The groom’s sister promised she would keep a straight face but when I looked at her she was bawling.

I signaled for the tissues but my groomsmen simply smiled at me. No you idiot the tissues! Don’t wave HI at me! Thank you for the thumbs up about my dress but I want the tissues. Gah! I knew something like this would happen so I had stuffed my bra with tissues. I would lift my bouquet up to hide what I was doing, pull a tissue out then hand it to my sisters. I made sure to switch off so I still looked even.

One of the guests remarked at how the ceremony reminded her of the wedding scene out of twighlight which is good because that’s what my sister was going for. Just like twilight we had plenty of sparkly pale-skinned people at ceremony.

One of Three, Part II: Prep

6/25/13

The next day we woke up to Bridezillas, the show. If we could see how nuts those people were we would try hard not be like them. We managed to pull it off. The make-up artist showed up with a suitcase full of make-up. By the time she was done I felt like I had weights attached to my eye lids. That might explain why it looks like I’m blinking in half the photos.

In the midst of getting ready we forgot about planning breakfast or lunch. Guess who had to go out in full make-up to pick up food in 80 degree weather. Since the groomsmen had driven my car to the wedding site I had to make the trek on foot. longest three blocks of my life.

After brunch, it was time for the moment of truth. Months of preparation leading up to this one pivotal moment. I was able to fit into my dress!

At the venue it was picture after picture after picture. My sister hired a photographer who did not believe in touching up or doctoring photos. There for every shot had to be perfect. My feet were not happy. My face was so tired.

One of Three, Part I: Rehearsal

6/25/13

My sister’s wedding has come and gone. I hadn’t given it much thought until I was with her for her final dress fitting. Maybe it was the sunscreen or the AC blasting but my eyes started to water and my sister saw and she got teary-eyed. There we were, two idiots, getting teary-eyed, over a stupid frilly white dress.

The days leading up to the big day were a blur. I went to Target five days in a row for various last minute things. We made multiple trips to the airport to pick up out of town guests.

The rehearsal almost didn’t happen because there was a traffic accident which delayed everyone except the bride and bridesmaids. My sister berated us for days about punctuality for the wedding. Ironic, since she is usually late to everything.

When we got to the site, my sister wanted us to try walking down to the ceremony area in our dress shoes. I practiced for months over carpet, tile, hard wood floor, and concrete. No one said anything about dirt. I managed the first few steps but the pastor felt we could tumble down at any moment. So the groomsmen would walk down with us.

I got matched up with the taller of the groomsmen. He was the more talkative of the two. The other barely said a word.

Rehearsal dinner was fun. One side of the wedding party stayed sober while the other was plastered. I’ll let you guess which side (hint: not mine).

When we got to the hotel we had to unpack everything. I brought like 4 pairs of shoes: driving shoes, sandals, rehearsal dinner shoes, and wedding shoes. I thought about bringing slippers too but that seemed a bit excessive for a two day thing.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

TOAST!

7/16/2013

i was not asked to give a toast at my friend’s wedding which was fine because i don't like public speaking. but if i was asked this is what i would’ve said.

i first noticed jocelyn during the first week of high school. she was always around this guy i had a crush on so i saw her as my rival. the guy turned out to be so-so. jocelyn turned out to be awesome.

i got to know her through our friend ann, who is my neighbor and is also awesome. they were always together so i had no choice. one day jocelyn walks into the library looking for ann. i noticed she had a photo in the front her binder. she starts telling me about how the guy in the picture is her secret boyfriend because she’s not allowed to date and how they’ve known each other since they were in diapers and how cute she thinks he is. the whole time i’m thinking, “that’s a lot of information. ann. where are you?”.

over the years i’ve learned that jocelyn may be small and petite in stature but she has a huge personality. She’s loud. never sit in front of her. she’s not afraid to speak her mind. once, we were in a crowded convention hall and she declares out loud how bad the BO was in the room. if you’ve done something stupid she’s going to point it out.

her loudness is only overshadowed by her huge heart. with her schooling she could totally work in a lab and earn lots of money. instead she teaches science to kids. she’ll spend her own time and money in order to do this. on more than one occasion i’ve found myself with her at thrift shops and lab closures rummaging for random things to use in experiments.

she just does stuff. tell her a problem you’re having and she’ll try to fix it. no boyfriend? she will look for you. she recently suggested a 19 year old she met as a suitor for me. i’m slightly past that. need a shoulder to cry on? she’ll be the first person to tell you to get over it and she’ll tell you what a loser the guy was and how the next one will be so much better.

if jocelyn is eating something she likes she usually won’t share so when she does it’s a sign that she likes you or the food sucks. she knows what she likes and isn't afraid to make it known. if she offers crème brulee, she’s only sharing the custard part not the sugar crust. eat that and you might as well consider it your last meal.

kevin, i hope you know how lucky you are.

Lego Rejection --> End of Society

8/20/2013

on a business trip to carlsbad this summer a friend lamented how he wanted to go to legoland but couldn’t because he is an adult male with no children. there was an article about a man in canada who was denied access to legoland for that very reason.

i decided to drop by legoland to see what it was all about. i was allowed in. i guess i’m not considered dangerous because i’m female.

that day all the ticket sellers and takers were men. so men are good enough to work there but not good enough to be paying guests.

there’s lots of stuff to do if you’re a little kid. most of the adults i saw were lounging in chairs, benches, or on the ground while kids scurried about. i guess loiterers are ok.

when i picked up dinner at a quick service place, i overheard a father say to his kid, “stop f------ around. i will smack you. i’m not f------ kidding”. his wife realized i noticed and said, “i told you not to f------ say that to the kids in public”. lego is ok with parents who threaten children.

there are so many problems with their policy.

if you have access to kids via family, friends you can borrow them to go to legoland. but what if you have no kids in your life? lego fanatics who don’t have children in their lives will be driven by any means necessary to obtain children just to get into the park. can you imagine a kid asking dad why he/she was born and dad goes, “ legoland”?

people will start renting out their kids for profit. those rented kids will see legos as a job. the divide between the haves and the have nots will widen. only the rich will be able to afford such services. there are going to be knock-off businesses where they rent out adults who pose as kids. legoland is going to start carbon-dating guests to verify ages.

to address these issues, the rule will be changed to only allow legal guardians or people with special permissions only. your nanny will need to bring in a signed affidavit by you. you will need to provide DNA samples to prove that kid is yours. that’s going to lead to so much awkwardness on the ride home if that DNA does not match.

there are going to be lawsuits. childless people will demand to be let in. poor people will complain they can’t afford to rent children. privacy issues will arise. families will be destroyed. legos will be seen as a vice on society. all things legos will be banished. a black market on legos will be created. society will collapse all because some male lego fanatics were denied into legoland for lack of having a kid.

good job destroying us all lego.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Average Non-traditional Bridal Weekend – Monday

6/13/2013

birds…F.

we ate the weekend’s (not yet) spoils for lunch. too many ribs, not enough stomach space.

there was organizing of kitchen. there weren't enough shelves in the cabinets so it was off to target/walmart/toys r us for those.

pandemic! gah africa!

the labeling of three hundred puzzle pieces for the wedding guest book/photo thing. yay for pre-printed stickers.

don’t give jocelyn any lava-making devices in minecraft or in life.

we had tacos and eveyone used everyone else's name except their own for their orders. since i was last i decided to use posey. it is a very difficult name for people to say or read causing only confusion and delay of taco delivery.

jocelyn decided to be a human jukebox on the way home. Singing louder equals hitting the high notes apparently. it was a two hour drive.

“This whole kitchen wasn’t built for me. Everything is too tall” – Jocelyn

“Are you loud because you’re blind without your glasses so you use sonar like a bat?” – Allen N.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Average Non-traditional Bridal Weekend – Sunday

6/13/2013

i got up early because birds don’t rest on sundays ether.

i think i liked what i ate for brunch. i was pretty tired. at some point jocelyn woke me up before my face landed into my plate of cheesy grits and pork belly.

we watched the plan which is a supplement to battlestar galactica explaining the cylon side of things. too bad it didn’t explain the travesty of the series’ ending.

then it was off to the shower. we were greeted by an angelic looking little boy who was anything but. at some point during the party he was wandering around sans bottoms. after a dinner of burgers, salads and pine needles it was time for shower games. there was a quiz game, match people to candy game and match the famous couple game.

“I see Princess Leila. Where’s Luke Skywalker?” – Allen N.

“It's Han Solo! Even I know that” - Drew

“Amazing? YOU’RE WORD TO DESCRIBE ME SHOULD’VE BEEN LOUD!” - Jocelyn

then it was time for presents. jocelyn would lift each one and loudly announce what it was. there was some concern that she wouldn’t be able to control herself if something weird came up. but kevin was good about keeping a straight face. but then a glass patriotic-themed plate and bowl showed up and let’s just say it wasn’t the couple’s favorite thing.

“Ramekins. Bobby Flay Ramekins. BOBBY FLAY RAMEKINS!” – Jocelyn

then it was the moment we had all been waiting for. we decided to chip in and buy a lego death star as a gift. originally it was for the wedding but it was pointed out we wouldn’t get to see her expression so it was presented at the shower after much fanfare. we tried to plan it so it would be the last gift they would open. it didn't work out that way.

“Sorry accent table. “ – everybody

it was discovered during cleaning that there was too much food left over. so in addtion to cookies, cupcakes and gifts we also had trays of meat and potato salad to balance on our laps for the car ride home.

Average Non-traditional Bridal Weekend – Saturday

6/13/2013

after a night of sleeping on a partially inflated mattress and almost shooting my brush his teeth in pitch black darkness friend in the face i woke up to the sound of birds the next morning at 6 am. it’s the weekend birds. shush.

we headed off to salmon sandwiches, pate and salad at a café. next we were at a japanese bakery for curry pons and pastry. then we went to get 50/50s which are a combo of sherbet (ices) and ice cream. The weather was warm and it was nice sitting outside watching Jocelyn struggle through a medium.

“Jennifer, is your mom sense exploding as you watch the little dog sitting on top of the car which could drive away at any moment?” – Allen J.

“Drew ruined Harry Potter for me. I’m going to ruin Battlestar for him” – Allen N.

we went to Old Navy for sandals and learned after our purchase that there are boy sandals and girl sandals. three of us bought girl sandals but only two of us are girls.

“Look at the shape. All the colors. These have to be women sandals” – Allen N.

we played Pandemic which is one of those all for one games. if you screw up, africa gets covered up in yellow and everyone dies.

for dinner we went to a bar for burgers, not the burger bar. i got one with fried onion strings, bacon,a mac and cheese patty on top of a beef patty. in addition to regular fries, there were bahn mi, gorgonzola mushroom and blue cheese fries. our waitress reminded us of Adolf, ann’s rockband avatar, minus the bloody eye patch. at some point jocelyn confessed to her, the waiter, not the avatar.

instead of going to sleep after an entire day of eating, i stayed up learning about korean variety shows and dramas. i slept three hours. good luck everyone.

Average Non-traditional Bridal Weekend - Friday

6/13/2013

i went to a bridal shower held in the honor of one of my friends. she’s not your normal gal so you can imagine how the weekend went.

i took the day off to take my time packing which turned into lunch at five guys, leading to snack shopping at target, then marathon downton abbey watching which ended up being hurried packing.

the guys and i kicked off the weekend by eating wings and drinking beer. because that’s what adults do at 5:15pm on a friday. our waiter accidentally doubled the drink order. by the end it was obvious we were going to recreate penguin night at target.

“i thought you didn’t shoot me when i came out of the bathroom because you were talking to my mom not because you weren’t able to load the gun.” – Allen J.

so we went to target and walked around the snack aisle. we weren’t going to buy much since we had just eaten 3 baskets of corn dogs, 24 wings, 18 boneless wings, carrots and celery sticks and drank multiple beverages. by the time we left the store we had a family-sized bag of reese and kit kats, three family size kit kats, two cylinders of pringles, a box of gushers, a box of townhouse crackers, pandemic the board game, and a tube of toothpaste.

“why’d you let me buy so much stuff? i was drunk when we were in target!” – Allen J.

we met up with the bride to be and repacked everything into her car. on the way there a new game was shared. Allen J told us his coworkers would use binary code to convey whether or not they would have relations with a girl based on just her looks. 0 no. 1 yes. some had more trouble with the game than others.

“my mom. 1” – Jocelyn

“F*** YOU GUYS! IF I SAY SHE’S A 0 SHE’S A 0 - Allen N.

for the sake of everyone i offered the guest room to Allen J. his sleep is like him, not quiet. also, a good night’s sleep keeps me from being unreasonably murderous.

i opted for the office which was fine except the air mattress was underinflated since i decided to avoid reading the directions. i thought i heard something in the middle of the night so i got up armed with my nerf gun ready to shoot whatever in the face. i looked into the bathroom which was pitch black and wandered to where Allen N was only he wasn’t there. i hear someone behind me and it’s Allen N. brushing his teeth. he had been in the pitch dark bathroom brushing his teeth in complete silence because that is totally normal.

"Were you going to shoot me while i slept?" - Allen N.

“You’re like the guy in the horror movie that dies first because instead of running away you go towards danger” – Kevin.