Friday, December 7, 2012

Roll With It, Not On It

i’m not a shoe collecting girl. i have difficulty finding shoes due to my shoe size. the world is a cruel place to be a large footed gal. even if i manage to find something that fits, they don’t look right. sling backs aren’t so sexy when they’re the size of eskimo snow shoes.

my sister had picked out a pair of shoes she wanted me to wear for her wedding. i slipped half my foot in and realized it was not going to work. my toes pulsed. the glittery bow was stretched out to a strip. the sides chaffed my feet. the back-up pair was 4 inch pump dipped in layers of gold glitter. thank goodness they didn’t fit either because i didn’t want to wear shoes that trigger an image of a slutty Judy garland way past her prime who’s sold Toto for a hit of elmer’s.

we moved on to the clearance section of the store. my sister had me try a few pairs on. i didn't sprain my ankles despite rolling on them so many times. think sexy my sister suggested. instead of looking like a victoria secret model strutting down the runway, i looked like a partially blind three-legged baby giraffe learning how to walk on ball bearings. sexy right?

i eventually did leave with a pair of suitable wedding shoes. my sister has tasked me with practicing in them every day because i have to look natural when i walk down the aisle. no wobbling. no tipping over. there should be no outward sign of any discomfort or pain. the only tears allowed will be tears of joy.

do you think it’s too late to back out of the bridesmaid thing?

“how did you walk down the aisle at laurie’s wedding? did you fall and roll down?!” – sister.

Monday, August 13, 2012

When Life Imitates Reality TV

my sister recently got engaged and chose me to be one of her bridesmaids. this will be the second time i’ll be a bridesmaid. i don’t think i’ll end up with 27 dresses... at least i hope not.

due to some schedule conflicts certain things have to be done right now, like dress shopping. my sister and i looked over styles, colors, and materials. she decided on one but then her fiancĂ© said he liked another. it’s easy to like something when you don’t have to wear it.

the next day my sisters, our mom and i were at the bridal shop. the sections were organized by style number but the dresses didn’t know that. despite having an appointment there were no sales representatives available. so we fumbled around until one came to check on us. 

since the place had no mirrors in the changing rooms, we had to walk out into a mirrored hall separated from the brides' area. a guy was wandering around the mirrored hall. he was giving my sister a look when we hear this women yell, “get over here!”. the guy spun around and his future bride was standing there. she was certainly a vision of a blushing bride, with her long white gown and bright red face.

one sister wanted a particular dress but the other sister said she was going to a classy wedding not a night club. the color combined with our fair skin reminded one of tropical creamsicles. we suggested another color. my sister went bat-poop crazy. we calmed her down but then my mom piped in with, “i liked that other color more”. so the discussion went on.

she wanted to get it right then and there. i suggested we check a few other places before we placed the order. she didn’t like that so she stormed out of the store. my other sister calls her to come back. eventually we agreed it was my sister’s wedding so we’d go with it.

when we got home my dad asked how it went. my mom said to him, “don’t ask. you’re going to make her mad by reminding her she picked the color no one wanted”.

me: this one?
sis: no, that’s guava.
other sis: this?
sis: no, that’s watermelon.
me: ta da!
sis: no, that’s orange.
other sis: eh?
sis: no! that’s persimmon. pay attention! i want coral, you know like pinkish orange. nothing else! ok?!
mom: this one!
sis: mom! that’s blue.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Hairy Spotter

i was on bart the other day and the woman sitting across from me had on this dress with a low neckline. she was leaning forward the whole time playing with her phone. at one point her phone rang and when i looked down i noticed she had a patch of hair on her chest. i tried not to look again but i couldn’t stop thinking about it. i must’ve let my thoughts cross my face because she glared at me, got up in a huff and left. did she think i was checking her out? i guess i was but it was because she had a fuzzy broach right in the middle of her chest (oh and for the record, i've seen better boobs).

later that week i was at a bar-b-que and it was HOT. a number of women wore sleeveless tops. some decided to go the al natural route. people were sweaty and it resulted in lots of glistening hair. is this why they make deodorant go on clear? so it’s not as obvious if it flakes off and is stuck in the hair?

but why should women be expected to shave, wax, be hairless? men aren't. these women could be making a stand against that or maybe arm pit hair is making a comeback? if it is, it won't be happening at my house.

sis: look at all those hairy pits
me: shh!
sis: what? it's true. just look at all those cherry pits on the ground. litter bugs.
me: oh, i thought you said hairy pits.
sis: what?! oh. i saw some of those too. hippies.

Hey, I Just Met You

one afternoon i got a call from an old friend who wanted to know if i was free for dinner the next day. they made a reservation a month ago to celebrate her bf’s friend earning his ph d.

it was a fancy restaurant. i didn't want to look out of place so i got dressed up for it. having to wear proper attire for dinner is such an annoying first world problem.

i get to the house and both guys barely look up from their laptop screens. they were in the middle of some campaign and things had to be killed (i get why some gals don’t want to date gamers).

when that was done we played the board game outbreak. there’s no monkey or dustin hoffman. there’s just disease, then more disease and then death.

then it was off to dinner. a number of patrons were wearing suits despite the 80 degree weather. every time our waiter came to the table i made eye contact. he had such bright blue eyes. they could rival drew’s.

as i tried to calculate out how many jack in the box tacos this meal was going to cost me, my friend’s bf announces we order whatever we want because ph d was paying. ph d explains he had picked the most expensive restaurant in the area to celebrate. he didn't want to go alone so he was treating us for going with him. i thought to myself, “this is crazy”.

none of them had eaten greek food before. i explained what was what. my friend asked if i had taken classes. lots of tv watching I told her (that and the fact that I know people who don’t think about cost when it comes to food).

we ended up sharing everything. dessert was my favorite. yay galaktoboureko! i was surprised at how full i was but i was wearing really tight pants (they were the only pair which were clean and didn’t need ironing. i wasn’t trying to show off my butt).
even though I was there as a fill-in i got a free meal, showed how hours of tv watching is a benefit, and found another set of eyes to add to my hypothetical jar .

“you should go back to the restaurant on a date with the (ph d) guy and then get the waiter’s number” – syche (immediately covers her mouth after saying it).

Monday, June 18, 2012

Giant Meaty Priorities

i can’t call myself a baseball fan. i don't know enough about the sport as a whole. i don't find it interesting enough where i can watch any team play on tv. i'll only watch when the sf giants play.

cain pitched the team's first perfect game a few days ago. when they showed the final out and the ball was safely tucked into Belt’s back pocket afterwards (smart) i found myself jumping along with the team (my mom thought they had won another world series. oh mom). as i fell asleep that night my final thought was, “thank you god for matt cain and giants baseball”.

i’m just a giants fan. i don't love america's past time. but i don't feel bad about it especially when one of my friends sends me an email regarding cain's perfect game.

“SUBJECT: SAUSAGE!!!
WE SHOULD HAVE GONE TO THE GAME YESTERDAY!!!
MY DREAAAAMS WOULD HAVE COME TRUEEE!!”

As you can see there are all sorts of fans out there. You have baseball fans, team fans, and smoked meat product fans.

Friday, May 4, 2012

I'll Never Let (This) Go

they rereleased titanic in 3D. i watched the first release back when i was in high school.

despite my protests, my best friend at the time said she had to watch it. so there i was on valentine’s day weekend waiting in a long line for four hours. the movie was still selling out even though it had been out for months. this one lady in line (who saw it 4 times) would not stop talking about the movie. luckily somebody yelled at her to shut up. i remember feeling cold during most of the movie. maybe it was the sight of icebergs and the ocean. it was mostly likely due to the ac being on full blast (it’s february in san bruno. why was the ac on full blast?!)

there was one thing with the movie which really irked me. *spoiler alert* rose was the one who led jack to his expiration. she didn’t share the drift wood she was floating on (that jack found). there was enough space for both of them to rest on(she also let go of him. how many of you to this day still call her a liar whenever you here her say she’ll never let go? i know of at least 3 people who shouted this in the theater while watching the trailer for the 3D version).

that's what i thought for a very long time but then i read this. ok, fine. mathematically speaking it wasn’t possible for them to share. but rose is not off the hook. if jack had broken his promise and let go of her hand he could’ve swam and climbed on top of other floating objects and lived. but instead he kept his promise and became a frozen corpse which then became food for the fishes while rose lived on to throw thousand of dollars in jewels into the ocean.

gg jack dawson.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Life Lesson: $4.50

weeks ago i invested in the lottery for the first time. each of us at work contributed $5 and the winnings would be split among 20 people. We won $10...total.

i didn't take part for the obvious (640 million) reasons. i did it because i didn't want to be the only one left at work if my coworkers won.

after the tickets were purchased we talked about what we would do. resiging was popular. one person wanted us to buy the company and make it a better place to work(i offered to sell her my share). one wanted to buy a house. another said the money would help with starting a family. i would pay off the mortgage on my parent's house and then relocate to a gated-community.

then it got ugly after everyone received a copy of the tickets we had purchased. there had to be a list of who contributed. someone suggested we all sign something promising we wouldn't sue each other. maybe the tickets should be placed under lock and key another said. maybe the tickets should be split up and held by multiple people. maybe we should all stay at work until the numbers were announced.

later that day i was waiting with some friends for the numbers to be announced. before the results one friend said to me, "if i win, i'm giving you 5 million dollars. i'm going to share the money. it's way too much for me to spend it all". it was such a different attitude from what i saw at work.

on monday there were no resignation letters. someone suggested buying more tickets with the winnings but most weren't interested. my department bought gummies with our winnings. sour and sweet reminders of how we almost let millions of dollars come between us.

Monday, March 5, 2012

If You Think It, It Will Happen

at dinner the fortune i received from a cookie read, “if you can form it in your mind it will happen”. the first thing I thought of? a costco hotdog. i just had dinner but i wanted a hot dog. when i got home hot dogs were waiting for me to bring them to work for lunch the next day.

later, i was watching a news story about the tornados in the midwest. a man said he planned on rebuilding in the exact same place. it sounded crazy for anyone to rebuild in tornado country. my dad said that’s what people say about us living in earthquake country. no big deal since i hardly ever feel them i said. this morning i felt my house slightly shake due to an earthquake.

maybe this fortune works like a genie where i get three shots and then that’s it. i have one left. what do i want? money? an available buster posey clone ? fried chicken? fringe to be saved from cancellation?

wait, i already got what i wanted.

a really nice 29th birthday.

“buy only what you need not what’s on sale”. (syche's)fortune cookie

Friday, March 2, 2012

You Don't Say

A friend asked me if I recorded conversations because I can quote her. I just remember stuff. Here's a sampling from this year.

“My dad asked me if I know who Jeremy Lin is. I do but we’re not friends or anything like that”.

“My mom bought me pants for Christmas. I can put them on but I don’t think I can sit down in them”.
“Your mom bought you standing pants”.

“Dad said he knew the fried chicken recipe would be good because he got it from a black lady. That’s racist”.
“It is. But true”.

“She’s a mom to us all”.
“How would you like to make her a grandma?”.

“Ok, we’re each going to buy this gun”.
“Can I get him the basketball hoop instead?”.

“So I said he couldn’t do anything to you because you’re married. [Your wife] would be so mad”.
“The ring comes off…..I can’t believe I said that”.

“With an SAT score so low you still made it into Berkeley?”

“Lots of things, Point- of-sale, Piece of crap. I wanted to say piece of s*** but didn’t because I’m swearing less for you”.
“Thanks but you just said it”.
“Oh s***”.

“I didn’t go rouge during the gun fight. I went to lie down”.

“I wish I could’ve seen myself tripping”.

"I'm glad you're the one calling. I don't have to be professional then."

"I'm afraid to go poo now. I don't want to be shot".

“You’re still in your 20’s. That’s good because next year you won’t be anymore.”

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Red Gold then Blue All Over

whether you are a football fan or not, by now you know the 49ers are not going to the super bowl. sadness! another superbowl i will watch mostly for the ads.

so many years without the playoffs and they finally made it back in. it would've happened sooner if not for a draft boo-boo in 2005. the cal bears had a good record that year but didn't get into a good bowl because the BCS is a popularity contest. the cal quarterback aaron rodgers wasn't drafted in the first round by the 49ers but instead by the packers*.

it was these circumstances alex smith found himself in when i was deciding whether or not the 49ers were wise for drafting him. before training camp he was hosting a halo party and i told my dad he should be resting his hands not button-mashing on a controller. he suffered a hand injury later on. coincidence?

it's not fair to put the playoff woes of one team on one guy. but when a rival team wins the superbowl with the quarter back your team could've drafted while your team isn't even in the playoffs it's hard not to think of what might've been.

this season during the lock-out, smith held his own practices despite not even being signed with the team. maybe he did it because he had nowhere else to go. i'd like to think he wanted to show the doubters (like me) he knew what he was doing. he was acting like a first round pick.

i know smith doesn't get all the credit for the turn around. they got a new coach (who's ain't so bad even though he coached stanfurd) and the defense is filled with mad men. but smith did his part. he still isn't my favorite qb. but i'll admit it, he proved me wrong.

so to alex smith, you're alright.

although things ended sadly it was fun getting to watch the team get as far as they did. let's look forward to next season and not direct all our anger towards one player.

afterall, to count oneself as one of the 49er faithful you have to believe there's always another shot next season.

*correction made

Monday, January 9, 2012

Merry Christmas You Donkey!

oh my lord. jen just stormed into my room saying i had to get up. she's going off about guests arriving in 6 hours and how the turkey is still sitting in the sink.

sigh, dad always waits until the last minute and then jen has to do it. maybe i should’ve said something last night but i was busy fighting the locusts. we’re going to save the world fenix!

jen looks crazy. i don’t think she even brushed her hair yet. she's still in her pjs. it’s funny when she swears because she normally doesn’t. it’s the same every christmas eve. oh bother, she’s stopped talking and is looking at me now. i better get up.

how are we going to eat a 30lbs turkey?! aw dad, don’t tell her you didn’t prep the prime rib either. there she goes again. i am going to do all the non-kitchen chores. i’m pretty sure i saw some presents that needed to be wrapped.

dad, don’t ask jen what’s for lunch. she is holding a knife. i will go pick up my other sister from the station. wait, dad is going for his car keys. i have to escape. dang, he left first. jen’s looking at me. if i don’t move maybe she won’t see me.

ok, all the meats are in the oven. lunch is done. jen is quietly watching the football game on tv. oh dear, mom just asked her if she made dessert. there she goes again.

"in the sea, the fish have learned to laugh. in the sea.." - kim