One of Three, Part II: Prep

6/25/13

The next day we woke up to Bridezillas, the show. If we could see how nuts those people were we would try hard not be like them. We managed to pull it off. The make-up artist showed up with a suitcase full of make-up. By the time she was done I felt like I had weights attached to my eye lids. That might explain why it looks like I’m blinking in half the photos.

In the midst of getting ready we forgot about planning breakfast or lunch. Guess who had to go out in full make-up to pick up food in 80 degree weather. Since the groomsmen had driven my car to the wedding site I had to make the trek on foot. longest three blocks of my life.

After brunch, it was time for the moment of truth. Months of preparation leading up to this one pivotal moment. I was able to fit into my dress!

At the venue it was picture after picture after picture. My sister hired a photographer who did not believe in touching up or doctoring photos. There for every shot had to be perfect. My feet were not happy. My face was so tired.

One of Three, Part I: Rehearsal

6/25/13

My sister’s wedding has come and gone. I hadn’t given it much thought until I was with her for her final dress fitting. Maybe it was the sunscreen or the AC blasting but my eyes started to water and my sister saw and she got teary-eyed. There we were, two idiots, getting teary-eyed, over a stupid frilly white dress.

The days leading up to the big day were a blur. I went to Target five days in a row for various last minute things. We made multiple trips to the airport to pick up out of town guests.

The rehearsal almost didn’t happen because there was a traffic accident which delayed everyone except the bride and bridesmaids. My sister berated us for days about punctuality for the wedding. Ironic, since she is usually late to everything.

When we got to the site, my sister wanted us to try walking down to the ceremony area in our dress shoes. I practiced for months over carpet, tile, hard wood floor, and concrete. No one said anything about dirt. I managed the first few steps but the pastor felt we could tumble down at any moment. So the groomsmen would walk down with us.

I got matched up with the taller of the groomsmen. He was the more talkative of the two. The other barely said a word.

Rehearsal dinner was fun. One side of the wedding party stayed sober while the other was plastered. I’ll let you guess which side (hint: not mine).

When we got to the hotel we had to unpack everything. I brought like 4 pairs of shoes: driving shoes, sandals, rehearsal dinner shoes, and wedding shoes. I thought about bringing slippers too but that seemed a bit excessive for a two day thing.

TOAST!

7/16/2013

i was not asked to give a toast at my friend’s wedding which was fine because i don't like public speaking. but if i was asked this is what i would’ve said.

i first noticed jocelyn during the first week of high school. she was always around this guy i had a crush on so i saw her as my rival. the guy turned out to be so-so. jocelyn turned out to be awesome.

i got to know her through our friend ann, who is my neighbor and is also awesome. they were always together so i had no choice. one day jocelyn walks into the library looking for ann. i noticed she had a photo in the front her binder. she starts telling me about how the guy in the picture is her secret boyfriend because she’s not allowed to date and how they’ve known each other since they were in diapers and how cute she thinks he is. the whole time i’m thinking, “that’s a lot of information. ann. where are you?”.

over the years i’ve learned that jocelyn may be small and petite in stature but she has a huge personality. She’s loud. never sit in front of her. she’s not afraid to speak her mind. once, we were in a crowded convention hall and she declares out loud how bad the BO was in the room. if you’ve done something stupid she’s going to point it out.

her loudness is only overshadowed by her huge heart. with her schooling she could totally work in a lab and earn lots of money. instead she teaches science to kids. she’ll spend her own time and money in order to do this. on more than one occasion i’ve found myself with her at thrift shops and lab closures rummaging for random things to use in experiments.

she just does stuff. tell her a problem you’re having and she’ll try to fix it. no boyfriend? she will look for you. she recently suggested a 19 year old she met as a suitor for me. i’m slightly past that. need a shoulder to cry on? she’ll be the first person to tell you to get over it and she’ll tell you what a loser the guy was and how the next one will be so much better.

if jocelyn is eating something she likes she usually won’t share so when she does it’s a sign that she likes you or the food sucks. she knows what she likes and isn't afraid to make it known. if she offers crème brulee, she’s only sharing the custard part not the sugar crust. eat that and you might as well consider it your last meal.

kevin, i hope you know how lucky you are.

Lego Rejection --> End of Society

8/20/2013

on a business trip to carlsbad this summer a friend lamented how he wanted to go to legoland but couldn’t because he is an adult male with no children. there was an article about a man in canada who was denied access to legoland for that very reason.

i decided to drop by legoland to see what it was all about. i was allowed in. i guess i’m not considered dangerous because i’m female.

that day all the ticket sellers and takers were men. so men are good enough to work there but not good enough to be paying guests.

there’s lots of stuff to do if you’re a little kid. most of the adults i saw were lounging in chairs, benches, or on the ground while kids scurried about. i guess loiterers are ok.

when i picked up dinner at a quick service place, i overheard a father say to his kid, “stop f------ around. i will smack you. i’m not f------ kidding”. his wife realized i noticed and said, “i told you not to f------ say that to the kids in public”. lego is ok with parents who threaten children.

there are so many problems with their policy.

if you have access to kids via family, friends you can borrow them to go to legoland. but what if you have no kids in your life? lego fanatics who don’t have children in their lives will be driven by any means necessary to obtain children just to get into the park. can you imagine a kid asking dad why he/she was born and dad goes, “ legoland”?

people will start renting out their kids for profit. those rented kids will see legos as a job. the divide between the haves and the have nots will widen. only the rich will be able to afford such services. there are going to be knock-off businesses where they rent out adults who pose as kids. legoland is going to start carbon-dating guests to verify ages.

to address these issues, the rule will be changed to only allow legal guardians or people with special permissions only. your nanny will need to bring in a signed affidavit by you. you will need to provide DNA samples to prove that kid is yours. that’s going to lead to so much awkwardness on the ride home if that DNA does not match.

there are going to be lawsuits. childless people will demand to be let in. poor people will complain they can’t afford to rent children. privacy issues will arise. families will be destroyed. legos will be seen as a vice on society. all things legos will be banished. a black market on legos will be created. society will collapse all because some male lego fanatics were denied into legoland for lack of having a kid.

good job destroying us all lego.

Average Non-traditional Bridal Weekend – Monday

6/13/2013

birds…F.

we ate the weekend’s (not yet) spoils for lunch. too many ribs, not enough stomach space.

there was organizing of kitchen. there weren't enough shelves in the cabinets so it was off to target/walmart/toys r us for those.

pandemic! gah africa!

the labeling of three hundred puzzle pieces for the wedding guest book/photo thing. yay for pre-printed stickers.

don’t give jocelyn any lava-making devices in minecraft or in life.

we had tacos and eveyone used everyone else's name except their own for their orders. since i was last i decided to use posey. it is a very difficult name for people to say or read causing only confusion and delay of taco delivery.

jocelyn decided to be a human jukebox on the way home. Singing louder equals hitting the high notes apparently. it was a two hour drive.

“This whole kitchen wasn’t built for me. Everything is too tall” – Jocelyn

“Are you loud because you’re blind without your glasses so you use sonar like a bat?” – Allen N.