Forgive Me Miss Saigon

my boss asked if i’d go try panda express with her since i’m the only person she knows who will eat that kind of stuff. okay.

off to the mall food court we went. as we waited in line, i explained what to do. decide on a side, two to three entrees but be sure to say it was to go. the sides of the box provide additional space for food versus a flat paper plate. the line was moving slowly due to the restocking of orange chicken. so my boss decided to go to the vietnamese restaurant next door which had its own sitting area.

i didn’t see the harm since asians were eating there. an indicator of a good ethnic restaurant is seeing patrons of that ethnicity eat there (i go to panda express the line triples behind me). the waitress was nice enough but her accent was off. the utensils only added to my suspicion. spoon and fork for a rice plate. then i bit into my fried chicken wing and knew why. it tasted like jollibees. this vietnamese restaurant was run by filipinos. the waitress, the spoon, the lumpia-sized imperial roll i should have realized nobody in there was vietnamese.

growing up near daly city aka little manilla and eating banh mis from little paris you would think i would be able to tell the difference. i had mistaken filipinos for vietnamese. apparently, i now think all asians look the same.

while my asian side turns away in disgust my jewish side is having a field day.

“i was going to buy this cute noah’s ark stand as a christmas gift for my friend but it’s really a menorah”. – me.

One Fish Two Fish Red-Faced Fish

on saturday, i attended jocelyn's mom's work's mardi gras-themed christmas party. it felt like an alcoholic prom or a wedding full of strangers. they had coat check-ins, masks, beads, a buffet, dancing, live bands and a gambling hall to for the 2,000 attendees.

we did not make a beeline towards the food. jocelyn insisted we gamble first. something is off when she chooses gambling over food. the gambling room was not ready so we ate first.

buffets are probably the things i dread the most when it comes to asian people-watching. the group in front of me decided to load onto their plates everything (ironically except rice). taking the entire tray of oysters including the tray was a bit much i think.

then off to gambling. the point was to gain as many chips as possible to purchase as many raffle tickets as possible in order to increase the chances of winning as many prizes as possible. there were black jack, poker, roulette, and spin the wheel things. we played black jack...for over three hours.

i see where jocelyn gets her no sham...fear attitude from. her mom practically said to the dealer he was going to help her win(give her) lots of chips. i was impressed and scared of how persuasive she was. the guy assisted us (peeking at cards, not taking away chips when we lost). he reminded me of chekov (the anton yelchin one). we learned some things about him and he of us. there was even a group picure with him. but before you take it another step further let me say something. he was divorced and possibly eighteen. legal but still, eewww.

there was some more awkward when we met a less than sober coworker of jocelyn’s mom who was affectionate towards jocelyn and later when i asked what was a king cake was this guy said, “it's mine. ‘cuz I’m the king.”

overall i had lots of fun and our group ended up with two gift cards.

the next day at church i was told about a possible prospect. he sounded ok. before anything could be arranged the woman quickly mumbled he was divorced. not to worry, he has no kids. another plus, it was a really short marriage that didn’t mean anything. i politely declined.

i miss the days when i didn’t have to worry about someone being too young or being pre-owned or both.

“if you win the X-box, can I have it?” - jocelyn

Don’t Wanna Keep up with the Kardashians

recently my grandma has been asking my sister when she will get married because she would like to see some great grandchildren. my sister asked her if she’s asked me, the eldest grandchild, this. my grandma said if she were to wait for me she’d be long gone by then.

wow grandma, wow.

i know. she’s old enough where she doesn’t care about being pc anymore. but still, ow. if this comment were a physical attack i’d have a black eye. i guess i can add this onto my pile of emotional scars.

she’s said to me a couple times i need to get married if i want to be happy. but i tell her marriage and kids don’t guarantee happiness. i then provide her examples of people who can attest to this (yay for celebrities). i’ve even pointed out how oprah, someone she admires, isn’t married and is perfectly happy and successful (if you ignore the tv network thing).

i’m not in a panic about being single, yet. if anything the idea of getting married causes me to be in a panic. child-bearing leads to a complete black out.

next time i see grandma, i should reassure her that if there are millions of dollars in sponsorship and a brand at stake, i will consider selling my soul so i can get married and have kids ASAP.

When I Was Your Age

this year, black and orange was just for halloween. that didn't deter people from wearing giants gear on monday though. if the point of a costume is to pretend to be something you normally aren't, what does that say about those who wore giants gear as costumes?

my parents didn't pass out candy this year. it has nothing to do with the recession but with our waistlines(see previous post). each year, less and less kids come by. last year we had 3 kids, leaving us with sugar surplus. most of our neighbors don't have young kids. the few who do take their kids to the mall.

that's right the mall. nowadays kids trick or treat indoors while their parents wait at the food court sipping starbucks coffee and eating orange chicken from panda express. whatever happened to walking five miles uphill both ways knocking on strangers' doors in the fog with the chance of getting something laced with poison or decorated with razor blades while having mom and dad reminding you they still have dinner to make so we better hurry up?

they go to safe zones. neighborhoods set aside specific streets for pedestrains to trick or treat. where's the adventure? being able to play frogger to get across the street to the next house?

they consolidate all the bad people and ban them from giving out candy. i'm ok with this.

they go to school. you just spent 8 hours there. why would you go back? the kids suffer. the teachers suffer. no one wins.

they go to church. better wear something rated g. it could be a scary place if you expect to run into an albino dressed in monk's robes or a nun.

trick or treating in controlled spaces can't replace going door to door. you don't meet your neighbors, see their decorations, and can't justify eating the thousands of calories you've just collected because you didn't burn any wandering the mall munching on a pretzel.

what's going to happen to trick or treating in the future? maybe they'll make an app where electronic candy is sent to our kids' smart phones.

What Would Jenny (Craig) Do?

i'm not a go on a diet sort of person. but I’ve gained some weight since my trip. here’s a timeline of my attempt(s) to get back to my pre-vacation weight.

friday
my pants are feeling kinda tight. i did just wash them. oh crap, there’s a tear on the inner thigh. wait, no, there are tears on both inner thigh areas. dang, this is my favorite pair of jeans. can i patch them up? probably not a good idea. that would just draw attention to my crotch.

saturday
i really shouldn’t have another crumpet. but they don’t have crumpets in america. crumpets are like crusty pancakes. fine plain wheat toast and a piece of chocolate for breakfast and the rest of my sister’s crumpet (smothered in honey).

sunday
so tired but must go out to dinner for mom’s birthday. still tired, must force down this piece of cake, red bean soup, and another piece of beef.

monday
time to get on the scale. i can’t find it. oh well.

tuesday
thanks mom for letting me know where the scale was. i gained six pounds. wait how much did I weigh before my trip? based on the weight listed on my license from 6 years ago i only gained two pounds. i’m still wearing all my clothes. that’s like what, an extra two pounds. so i broke even then. no I gained six. that would explain my pants.

she’s going to order a salad?! i should do that. i don’t want salad. i want a steak sandwich with cheese. if i get peppers with it there’s my veggie. hey they have mushrooms. no peppers then. onion is a vegetable. fries too. no wait, carb. sigh, i should’ve gotten the onion rings. cream cheese pastry! i’ll eat half. oops, i ate the whole thing.

weds
chips or mango slices. mango slices. butter or salmon on bagel...both.

it’s 10pm i should eat light. if jack in the Box wins i can get two tacos. those have lettuce in them. dang in and out won. cheeseburger with milkshake but no i won’t order any fries. i’ll just eat hers.

thursday
that sandwich was not enough. but i have this pack of ramen. it looks so lonely. i have a can of vienna sausage, bffs.

i shouldn’t eat this cannoli but since you offerred. ice cream too? NO, i will eat you tomorrow ice cream (for breakfast) then i will eat healthier. i will pack a nice healthy lunch tomorrow. i will get rid of those six pounds. shoot, work is buying us chinese food for lunch tomorrow.

saturday then! Wait, that’s when splurging begins. monday then!