Lego Rejection --> End of Society

8/20/2013

on a business trip to carlsbad this summer a friend lamented how he wanted to go to legoland but couldn’t because he is an adult male with no children. there was an article about a man in canada who was denied access to legoland for that very reason.

i decided to drop by legoland to see what it was all about. i was allowed in. i guess i’m not considered dangerous because i’m female.

that day all the ticket sellers and takers were men. so men are good enough to work there but not good enough to be paying guests.

there’s lots of stuff to do if you’re a little kid. most of the adults i saw were lounging in chairs, benches, or on the ground while kids scurried about. i guess loiterers are ok.

when i picked up dinner at a quick service place, i overheard a father say to his kid, “stop f------ around. i will smack you. i’m not f------ kidding”. his wife realized i noticed and said, “i told you not to f------ say that to the kids in public”. lego is ok with parents who threaten children.

there are so many problems with their policy.

if you have access to kids via family, friends you can borrow them to go to legoland. but what if you have no kids in your life? lego fanatics who don’t have children in their lives will be driven by any means necessary to obtain children just to get into the park. can you imagine a kid asking dad why he/she was born and dad goes, “ legoland”?

people will start renting out their kids for profit. those rented kids will see legos as a job. the divide between the haves and the have nots will widen. only the rich will be able to afford such services. there are going to be knock-off businesses where they rent out adults who pose as kids. legoland is going to start carbon-dating guests to verify ages.

to address these issues, the rule will be changed to only allow legal guardians or people with special permissions only. your nanny will need to bring in a signed affidavit by you. you will need to provide DNA samples to prove that kid is yours. that’s going to lead to so much awkwardness on the ride home if that DNA does not match.

there are going to be lawsuits. childless people will demand to be let in. poor people will complain they can’t afford to rent children. privacy issues will arise. families will be destroyed. legos will be seen as a vice on society. all things legos will be banished. a black market on legos will be created. society will collapse all because some male lego fanatics were denied into legoland for lack of having a kid.

good job destroying us all lego.

Average Non-traditional Bridal Weekend – Monday

6/13/2013

birds…F.

we ate the weekend’s (not yet) spoils for lunch. too many ribs, not enough stomach space.

there was organizing of kitchen. there weren't enough shelves in the cabinets so it was off to target/walmart/toys r us for those.

pandemic! gah africa!

the labeling of three hundred puzzle pieces for the wedding guest book/photo thing. yay for pre-printed stickers.

don’t give jocelyn any lava-making devices in minecraft or in life.

we had tacos and eveyone used everyone else's name except their own for their orders. since i was last i decided to use posey. it is a very difficult name for people to say or read causing only confusion and delay of taco delivery.

jocelyn decided to be a human jukebox on the way home. Singing louder equals hitting the high notes apparently. it was a two hour drive.

“This whole kitchen wasn’t built for me. Everything is too tall” – Jocelyn

“Are you loud because you’re blind without your glasses so you use sonar like a bat?” – Allen N.

Average Non-traditional Bridal Weekend – Sunday

6/13/2013

i got up early because birds don’t rest on sundays ether.

i think i liked what i ate for brunch. i was pretty tired. at some point jocelyn woke me up before my face landed into my plate of cheesy grits and pork belly.

we watched the plan which is a supplement to battlestar galactica explaining the cylon side of things. too bad it didn’t explain the travesty of the series’ ending.

then it was off to the shower. we were greeted by an angelic looking little boy who was anything but. at some point during the party he was wandering around sans bottoms. after a dinner of burgers, salads and pine needles it was time for shower games. there was a quiz game, match people to candy game and match the famous couple game.

“I see Princess Leila. Where’s Luke Skywalker?” – Allen N.

“It's Han Solo! Even I know that” - Drew

“Amazing? YOU’RE WORD TO DESCRIBE ME SHOULD’VE BEEN LOUD!” - Jocelyn

then it was time for presents. jocelyn would lift each one and loudly announce what it was. there was some concern that she wouldn’t be able to control herself if something weird came up. but kevin was good about keeping a straight face. but then a glass patriotic-themed plate and bowl showed up and let’s just say it wasn’t the couple’s favorite thing.

“Ramekins. Bobby Flay Ramekins. BOBBY FLAY RAMEKINS!” – Jocelyn

then it was the moment we had all been waiting for. we decided to chip in and buy a lego death star as a gift. originally it was for the wedding but it was pointed out we wouldn’t get to see her expression so it was presented at the shower after much fanfare. we tried to plan it so it would be the last gift they would open. it didn't work out that way.

“Sorry accent table. “ – everybody

it was discovered during cleaning that there was too much food left over. so in addtion to cookies, cupcakes and gifts we also had trays of meat and potato salad to balance on our laps for the car ride home.

Average Non-traditional Bridal Weekend – Saturday

6/13/2013

after a night of sleeping on a partially inflated mattress and almost shooting my brush his teeth in pitch black darkness friend in the face i woke up to the sound of birds the next morning at 6 am. it’s the weekend birds. shush.

we headed off to salmon sandwiches, pate and salad at a café. next we were at a japanese bakery for curry pons and pastry. then we went to get 50/50s which are a combo of sherbet (ices) and ice cream. The weather was warm and it was nice sitting outside watching Jocelyn struggle through a medium.

“Jennifer, is your mom sense exploding as you watch the little dog sitting on top of the car which could drive away at any moment?” – Allen J.

“Drew ruined Harry Potter for me. I’m going to ruin Battlestar for him” – Allen N.

we went to Old Navy for sandals and learned after our purchase that there are boy sandals and girl sandals. three of us bought girl sandals but only two of us are girls.

“Look at the shape. All the colors. These have to be women sandals” – Allen N.

we played Pandemic which is one of those all for one games. if you screw up, africa gets covered up in yellow and everyone dies.

for dinner we went to a bar for burgers, not the burger bar. i got one with fried onion strings, bacon,a mac and cheese patty on top of a beef patty. in addition to regular fries, there were bahn mi, gorgonzola mushroom and blue cheese fries. our waitress reminded us of Adolf, ann’s rockband avatar, minus the bloody eye patch. at some point jocelyn confessed to her, the waiter, not the avatar.

instead of going to sleep after an entire day of eating, i stayed up learning about korean variety shows and dramas. i slept three hours. good luck everyone.

Average Non-traditional Bridal Weekend - Friday

6/13/2013

i went to a bridal shower held in the honor of one of my friends. she’s not your normal gal so you can imagine how the weekend went.

i took the day off to take my time packing which turned into lunch at five guys, leading to snack shopping at target, then marathon downton abbey watching which ended up being hurried packing.

the guys and i kicked off the weekend by eating wings and drinking beer. because that’s what adults do at 5:15pm on a friday. our waiter accidentally doubled the drink order. by the end it was obvious we were going to recreate penguin night at target.

“i thought you didn’t shoot me when i came out of the bathroom because you were talking to my mom not because you weren’t able to load the gun.” – Allen J.

so we went to target and walked around the snack aisle. we weren’t going to buy much since we had just eaten 3 baskets of corn dogs, 24 wings, 18 boneless wings, carrots and celery sticks and drank multiple beverages. by the time we left the store we had a family-sized bag of reese and kit kats, three family size kit kats, two cylinders of pringles, a box of gushers, a box of townhouse crackers, pandemic the board game, and a tube of toothpaste.

“why’d you let me buy so much stuff? i was drunk when we were in target!” – Allen J.

we met up with the bride to be and repacked everything into her car. on the way there a new game was shared. Allen J told us his coworkers would use binary code to convey whether or not they would have relations with a girl based on just her looks. 0 no. 1 yes. some had more trouble with the game than others.

“my mom. 1” – Jocelyn

“F*** YOU GUYS! IF I SAY SHE’S A 0 SHE’S A 0 - Allen N.

for the sake of everyone i offered the guest room to Allen J. his sleep is like him, not quiet. also, a good night’s sleep keeps me from being unreasonably murderous.

i opted for the office which was fine except the air mattress was underinflated since i decided to avoid reading the directions. i thought i heard something in the middle of the night so i got up armed with my nerf gun ready to shoot whatever in the face. i looked into the bathroom which was pitch black and wandered to where Allen N was only he wasn’t there. i hear someone behind me and it’s Allen N. brushing his teeth. he had been in the pitch dark bathroom brushing his teeth in complete silence because that is totally normal.

"Were you going to shoot me while i slept?" - Allen N.

“You’re like the guy in the horror movie that dies first because instead of running away you go towards danger” – Kevin.