Roll With It, Not On It

i’m not a shoe collecting girl. i have difficulty finding shoes due to my shoe size. the world is a cruel place to be a large footed gal. even if i manage to find something that fits, they don’t look right. sling backs aren’t so sexy when they’re the size of eskimo snow shoes.

my sister had picked out a pair of shoes she wanted me to wear for her wedding. i slipped half my foot in and realized it was not going to work. my toes pulsed. the glittery bow was stretched out to a strip. the sides chaffed my feet. the back-up pair was 4 inch pump dipped in layers of gold glitter. thank goodness they didn’t fit either because i didn’t want to wear shoes that trigger an image of a slutty Judy garland way past her prime who’s sold Toto for a hit of elmer’s.

we moved on to the clearance section of the store. my sister had me try a few pairs on. i didn't sprain my ankles despite rolling on them so many times. think sexy my sister suggested. instead of looking like a victoria secret model strutting down the runway, i looked like a partially blind three-legged baby giraffe learning how to walk on ball bearings. sexy right?

i eventually did leave with a pair of suitable wedding shoes. my sister has tasked me with practicing in them every day because i have to look natural when i walk down the aisle. no wobbling. no tipping over. there should be no outward sign of any discomfort or pain. the only tears allowed will be tears of joy.

do you think it’s too late to back out of the bridesmaid thing?

“how did you walk down the aisle at laurie’s wedding? did you fall and roll down?!” – sister.

When Life Imitates Reality TV

my sister recently got engaged and chose me to be one of her bridesmaids. this will be the second time i’ll be a bridesmaid. i don’t think i’ll end up with 27 dresses... at least i hope not.

due to some schedule conflicts certain things have to be done right now, like dress shopping. my sister and i looked over styles, colors, and materials. she decided on one but then her fiancé said he liked another. it’s easy to like something when you don’t have to wear it.

the next day my sisters, our mom and i were at the bridal shop. the sections were organized by style number but the dresses didn’t know that. despite having an appointment there were no sales representatives available. so we fumbled around until one came to check on us. 

since the place had no mirrors in the changing rooms, we had to walk out into a mirrored hall separated from the brides' area. a guy was wandering around the mirrored hall. he was giving my sister a look when we hear this women yell, “get over here!”. the guy spun around and his future bride was standing there. she was certainly a vision of a blushing bride, with her long white gown and bright red face.

one sister wanted a particular dress but the other sister said she was going to a classy wedding not a night club. the color combined with our fair skin reminded one of tropical creamsicles. we suggested another color. my sister went bat-poop crazy. we calmed her down but then my mom piped in with, “i liked that other color more”. so the discussion went on.

she wanted to get it right then and there. i suggested we check a few other places before we placed the order. she didn’t like that so she stormed out of the store. my other sister calls her to come back. eventually we agreed it was my sister’s wedding so we’d go with it.

when we got home my dad asked how it went. my mom said to him, “don’t ask. you’re going to make her mad by reminding her she picked the color no one wanted”.

me: this one?
sis: no, that’s guava.
other sis: this?
sis: no, that’s watermelon.
me: ta da!
sis: no, that’s orange.
other sis: eh?
sis: no! that’s persimmon. pay attention! i want coral, you know like pinkish orange. nothing else! ok?!
mom: this one!
sis: mom! that’s blue.

Hairy Spotter

i was on bart the other day and the woman sitting across from me had on this dress with a low neckline. she was leaning forward the whole time playing with her phone. at one point her phone rang and when i looked down i noticed she had a patch of hair on her chest. i tried not to look again but i couldn’t stop thinking about it. i must’ve let my thoughts cross my face because she glared at me, got up in a huff and left. did she think i was checking her out? i guess i was but it was because she had a fuzzy broach right in the middle of her chest (oh and for the record, i've seen better boobs).

later that week i was at a bar-b-que and it was HOT. a number of women wore sleeveless tops. some decided to go the al natural route. people were sweaty and it resulted in lots of glistening hair. is this why they make deodorant go on clear? so it’s not as obvious if it flakes off and is stuck in the hair?

but why should women be expected to shave, wax, be hairless? men aren't. these women could be making a stand against that or maybe arm pit hair is making a comeback? if it is, it won't be happening at my house.

sis: look at all those hairy pits
me: shh!
sis: what? it's true. just look at all those cherry pits on the ground. litter bugs.
me: oh, i thought you said hairy pits.
sis: what?! oh. i saw some of those too. hippies.

Hey, I Just Met You

one afternoon i got a call from an old friend who wanted to know if i was free for dinner the next day. they made a reservation a month ago to celebrate her bf’s friend earning his ph d.

it was a fancy restaurant. i didn't want to look out of place so i got dressed up for it. having to wear proper attire for dinner is such an annoying first world problem.

i get to the house and both guys barely look up from their laptop screens. they were in the middle of some campaign and things had to be killed (i get why some gals don’t want to date gamers).

when that was done we played the board game outbreak. there’s no monkey or dustin hoffman. there’s just disease, then more disease and then death.

then it was off to dinner. a number of patrons were wearing suits despite the 80 degree weather. every time our waiter came to the table i made eye contact. he had such bright blue eyes. they could rival drew’s.

as i tried to calculate out how many jack in the box tacos this meal was going to cost me, my friend’s bf announces we order whatever we want because ph d was paying. ph d explains he had picked the most expensive restaurant in the area to celebrate. he didn't want to go alone so he was treating us for going with him. i thought to myself, “this is crazy”.

none of them had eaten greek food before. i explained what was what. my friend asked if i had taken classes. lots of tv watching I told her (that and the fact that I know people who don’t think about cost when it comes to food).

we ended up sharing everything. dessert was my favorite. yay galaktoboureko! i was surprised at how full i was but i was wearing really tight pants (they were the only pair which were clean and didn’t need ironing. i wasn’t trying to show off my butt).

even though I was there as a fill-in i got a free meal, showed how hours of tv watching is a benefit, and found another set of eyes to add to my hypothetical jar .

“you should go back to the restaurant on a date with the (ph d) guy and then get the waiter’s number” – syche (immediately covers her mouth after saying it).

Giant Meaty Priorities

i can’t call myself a baseball fan. i don't know enough about the sport as a whole. i don't find it interesting enough where i can watch any team play on tv. i'll only watch when the sf giants play.

cain pitched the team's first perfect game a few days ago. when they showed the final out and the ball was safely tucked into Belt’s back pocket afterwards (smart) i found myself jumping along with the team (my mom thought they had won another world series. oh mom). as i fell asleep that night my final thought was, “thank you god for matt cain and giants baseball”.

i’m just a giants fan. i don't love america's past time. but i don't feel bad about it especially when one of my friends sends me an email regarding cain's perfect game.

“SUBJECT: SAUSAGE!!!
WE SHOULD HAVE GONE TO THE GAME YESTERDAY!!!
MY DREAAAAMS WOULD HAVE COME TRUEEE!!”

As you can see there are all sorts of fans out there. You have baseball fans, team fans, and smoked meat product fans.