You Don't Say

A friend asked me if I recorded conversations because I can quote her. I just remember stuff. Here's a sampling from this year.

“My dad asked me if I know who Jeremy Lin is. I do but we’re not friends or anything like that”.

“My mom bought me pants for Christmas. I can put them on but I don’t think I can sit down in them”.
“Your mom bought you standing pants”.

“Dad said he knew the fried chicken recipe would be good because he got it from a black lady. That’s racist”.
“It is. But true”.

“She’s a mom to us all”.
“How would you like to make her a grandma?”.

“Ok, we’re each going to buy this gun”.
“Can I get him the basketball hoop instead?”.

“So I said he couldn’t do anything to you because you’re married. [Your wife] would be so mad”.
“The ring comes off…..I can’t believe I said that”.

“With an SAT score so low you still made it into Berkeley?”

“Lots of things, Point- of-sale, Piece of crap. I wanted to say piece of s*** but didn’t because I’m swearing less for you”.
“Thanks but you just said it”.
“Oh s***”.

“I didn’t go rouge during the gun fight. I went to lie down”.

“I wish I could’ve seen myself tripping”.

"I'm glad you're the one calling. I don't have to be professional then."

"I'm afraid to go poo now. I don't want to be shot".

“You’re still in your 20’s. That’s good because next year you won’t be anymore.”