no substitutions please

i was at the store and wanted to stop by the toy section. mom looks at me and asks if i’m too old for that. out of habit i say no but then i thought about it and realized i’m nearly a three decade year old wandering a toy aisle looking for toys to buy for myself.


most people my age would be there to buy toys for a kid not themselves. well, what’s wrong with wanting to buy toys? as a kid i couldn't get the toys i wanted right away. i had to wait until it was a gift receiving occasion (if only we practiced being jewish then i would've gottten more stuff) or if i saved enough to buy the toy i wanted. by then the toy would be sold out. if gift givers managed to remember what i wanted they would buy the wrong one. michelangelo is not the same as leonardo. a pink wand can’t replace the sword of omens. i wanted the mickey mouse plush not the pencil sharpener with his face on it, (stupid santa).

i make my own money now so i can buy what i want. but you know what? it’s too late now. i am decades too late to buy the toys i wanted (at a reasonable price).

if you want to save your kid from wandering the toy aisle when he/she is almost three decades old buy them the toys they want. jot it down in a day planner, tie some string on your finger, keep a printout in your wallet.

if you don’t your kid is going to be writing santa a very strongly worded letter the day after christmas year after year until the old man gets it right.