A Naive Freshmen 15

a common complaint of new hires at work is weight gain. they don't seem to know why they pack on the pounds the first few months they arrive. the newest hire in my department says she is fat because she now weighs 135 lbs (i weigh more than that. is she calling me fat?).

whenever my department has a meeting we get breakfast. my coworkers shot down my suggestion because it wasn't healthy. one even had the audacity to say, "when i get their(mcdonald's) breakfast i throw the hash brown away". how could someone in their right mind throw away a perfectly good slab of hot salty crispy goodness? whatever, i've seen her eat hash browns many times. i'm not afraid of being the odd one out because i openly enjoy fried foods.

my coworkers settled on dim sum. one wanted 9 ha gaos per person (she fake hates hash browns and she's out to kill me). they had the new hire place the order. we each got a box containing 3 ha gaos, 2 pan-fried turnip cakes, 3 kinds of baos and 1 egg roll. hmm, i wonder where those extra pounds are coming from?

as my coworkers emptied their boxes i looked down at mine and thought, "in america we eat hand-held fried potato patties for breakfast not deadly shrimp-filled dumplings".

viva la hash browns!

In Sickness & In Health

i cyberstalked my way into acquiring a new facebook friend. i don't think he'll ever read this blog but in order to protect the names and identities of the innocent i will name him montana.

i think montana is my work husband. drew called him something else but it's not pc so i won't say what it is here. like most new relationships it was fun at first. we'd remember random things the other person said before, discuss who we thought was hot or not, and making little changes to accommodate the other person.

then the honeymoon period ended and i found myself wanting some space. maybe it's just that the newness wore off and we fell into a rut.

after not talking to him for about a week he wanted to know what had happened to me. i was out due to a cold. he said he was sick too and that i should stop copying him. he then tried to diagnose what i was sick with. it was really childish but i found the whole thing kinda charming especially when he tried to guess what my coughs sounded like by making different coughing sounds.

but i've learned he's just buying his time at his job until something better comes along. he still wants me to call even when he has a new job. not sure how that's going to work if i don't have his number. also he has the memory of a goldfish so he might remember to tell me when he does leave. well that's what facebook is for right?

"maybe you have mono. you know what that is right? the kissing disease. is there something you want to tell me?" - montana

"what is wrong with you? ok, i didn't mean for it to sound like that" - jocelyn.

"you can get a divorce but you're going to have to pay for it" - drew.

"when you said "'til death" did you mean yours naturally or menancingly as in my death by you?" - syche.

The Best Way to a Man’s Heart

i stumbled upon an article about a roast chicken recipe which has spawned over 70 wedding proposals. i swear i did not type “engagement tips” or “how to find a man tips” or "help me. the majority of my gal friends are either engaged, married or with children but i am not. what do i do?" into any search engines to find this recipe.

according to the article, once a gal makes this for her man, he tends to propose within days of eating it. now, i don't know how large of a pool we're talking about here or how accurate their measuring methods are. it could be 72 out of a million couples.

but what other factors could be at play if it's not based soley on this chicken?
- the guy can’t cook and when he found a gal who could he knew he would no longer have to eat crap ever again.
- this chicken was served during a special occasion where it would look bad if the guy didn’t propose. like grandparents were there constantly ribbing the guy to do it.
- it was out of guilt. the girl spent her entire life-savings to buy and prepare it.
- there was booze (a whole lotta booze).
- the chicken was served right before the gal said, “i’m late this month.”
- the guy got food poisoning, suffered from a hallucination, mistook it for a sign from above thereby leading him to propose.
- the guy was going to propose anyway but because of timing it just looked like the chicken had something to do with it

well, whatever the reason food is a happy thing and engagements are too so yay to roast chicken and rings (whatever, you try writing something witty while hopped up on cough syrup. let’s see how well you do).

For the article and the recipe, click here.

It’s Only a Game

maybe i’m still riding the wave of world series euphoria but my brain can’t separate the playoffs from the regular season. there are over a hundred games played during the regular season but for some reason my nerves tell me that each game counts.

since i’m not quite over baseball we’ll just have to make due with my current state of mind. my sister and i were having a conversation related to games, just not the same type. it went sorta like this:

sis: so i told the guy we’re not dating.
me: what?!
sis: he’s a good friend but i don’t see him as a boyfriend.
me: do you want to die?
sis: he’s not a violent person. i could kick his butt.
me: throw the jerk out! come on.
sis: that's kinda mean. i still want to be friends.
me: that's wrong. i should go down there right now and talk to him.
sis: he doesn’t even know you. i just don’t want to hurt his feelings.
me: he needs to wear his catcher outfit at all times. then he’ll be safe.
sis: what are you talking about?
me: the pitcher hit posey with a pitch. that's twice already. what's his problem?
sis: he just got him in the tummy. he’ll be ok.
me: that’s true. at least it wasn't in the face. then we’d have some real problems. (shakes fist menacingly at tv)
sis: is kim home yet? i want to talk to her.