Coming Soon to a Bookstore Near You

One thing I miss about Ann is her sense of humor because it’s very much like mine. Not only will she let an idea of mine run away she’ll help it pack.

Currently we were discussing how I will someday write a parenting book even though I don’t have any children myself and do not interact with them on a daily basis. Not physical children anyways. Here’s what I have so far.

Chapter One: The enemy
- Children are nature’s perfect biological weapons. The germs they carry won’t kill them but can easily take down a full grown adult.
- They eventually become the future work force that will force you out of the job you have now.

Chapter Two: The Balloon is Your Friend
- In addition to distracting a child, balloons serve another purpose. Write your child’s name and an arrow pointing to him/her on the balloon. Tie this balloon to your child at all times. Be sure said balloon is inflated and replaced when necessary. When you find yourself in the middle of an amusement park you’ll have an easy way to identify your child if he/she happens to wander off. This is a safe and economical way of tracking your child.

Chapter Three: The Leash is Your Friend
- Parents should not have more children then they do hands. If they do, each child must be kept on a leash for better control and management. If you find yourself the parent of fourteen, there is no need to purchase one leash for each. Leash technology has come a long way. Some leashes split into multiple prongs. This may be a more desirable method if the balloon method for tracking does not work for you. Your child could be allergic to latex or you may have so many children you could be mistaken as the Grand Marshall of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.

Chapter four: It's a Never Ending Cycle

Closing Thoughts
- Just don't have kids.
- I’m not any kind of child expert nor do a claim to be. I am however a single person and am not easily taken in by their charms. Therefore I am the perfect third party observer of them.
- If you don’t agree with me fine. But you wouldn’t need this book if you didn’t have them in the first place. You would probably be reading the great American novel instead but you don't have the time. I wonder why.
- Thank you for purchasing my book. Without you I would not become a New York Times Best Seller with tons of disposable income because I don’t have offspring to support.

So if things work out this should come out in the next decade unless I find myself a parent by then and will have neither the time nor the energy to complete it.

Light Bulb Moment

Sometimes my sisters and I can talk to each other without it resulting in a shouting match. For example, we were discussing donuts and came to agree on the donut hole as the overall favorite. One of them didn't get how they could be called holes if they had no hole in them. We explained to her they were the middles of donuts.

One sister brought up teasing and how as young girls we’re told that a boy who teases you likes you. Don't worry about the lack of respect this boy has for you by causing you discomfort because he likes you. As a result some women end up with jerks. If they believe teasing equals fondness then abuse must equal love. No wonder the phrase “nice guys finish last” seems true. If we are taught as children that teasing is a sign of affection we assume this person is a suitor. Any nice interaction is automatically taken to be platonic. It’s time to break away from this way of thinking. Teasing should not be awarded with a valentine or giggles. It should be met with a restraining order.

“I’ve reached my hug quota for the year, possibly for the rest of my life” – me (on the day of the baptism).

F.E.A.R.

growing up my parents said not to watch certain things because i'll get nightmares and won't be able to sleep. they don't bug me when i sleep. instead they bug me when i'm awake.

in recent years the standard for horror films is the pale asian girl with the long black hair over her face dressed in white. guess what? i'm pale. I'm asian. i have long black hair. the shirt i wear to sleep is white. since one side of my room is mirrored i wake up to my own reflection. now i can't look at it in the wee hours of the morning. i just freak myself out. i just imagine that if i pull my hair back i'll look like that elf in the forest in the lord of the rings movie or worse i could have jack skeleton's grin.

i don't get it. i don't watch horror films unless there are zombies involved. so why the sudden eebie jeebies about this image?

i know it's just me in the mirror.

but still i don't want me to get me.

Has Left the Building

a friend once mentioned how it can be hard to enjoy something because one is already preparing for the future. even when things are going smoothly one is bracing for the road blocks.

i don't think i'm a cold person but it takes a while to know me. i'm reluctant to invest in the short term. i get nervous when i find i'm attached to someone. there's always the lingering fear that someday they'll be gone from my life.

i know people grow up and sometimes it means growing apart. But this just makes it harder since i should know better and can't get over it.

maybe i just don't understand how in order for someone i love to be happy it may mean they will have to be apart from me. they will be living a life separate from mine.

but i guess that's why we have to live in the moment because once it's gone it may never come back.

Cherry Kisses

I think the Anti-valentine’s Day post may be the most consistent topic i write about. I still believe it to be a creation of card and candy producers to make more money. Someday I will create a mass-marketing campaign where Plutonic (It’s spelled wrong. It’s an inside joke) Day will trump Valentine’s Day.

Ok so here's some history on it. Supposedly there was a Saint Valentine back in the day but no one is really sure as to the origin story. He would cheer up other prisoners by passing out little notes or treats. It makes me wonder what sort of reception he would receive if he were to try this in our modern prison system today.

I’m not a fan of pink. My Alma mater has embedded me to hate red. So if the official colors of this holiday/occasion are pink and red it’s a no go.

Why celebrate love with one day? It should be everyday.

It's not even good enough to grant us time off work. If a guy showing up in a boat leading to the near extinction of a population can get a holiday and a day supposedly about love cannot something must be wrong.

It gets in the way of nerf gun dart war (I’m just teasing. No I am not).

It’s one of those days that are anti-independent. If you have someone special in your life yay you. If you don’t… you lose. There’s a two-part ad for a restaurant which is offering specials for couples and singles. Couples get a nice romantic dinner and singles are encouraged to drink the night away. That's right, get drunk, get in a car accident and die because no one loves you. No one will miss you.

If you forget to wish Jocelyn a Happy Valentine’s Day, she’ll be mad.

Well the entire thing isn’t bad. Our favorite candy producers usually come out with special addition versions of classic candies.

And in case you were wondering what I will be doing this day, I will be having a steak dinner, at home, with just myself and my parents. Help me.

"Ok so we should invite jocelyn, me...wait...I'm jocelyn." -jocelyn