Friday, December 7, 2012

Roll With It, Not On It

i’m not a shoe collecting girl. i have difficulty finding shoes due to my shoe size. the world is a cruel place to be a large footed gal. even if i manage to find something that fits, they don’t look right. sling backs aren’t so sexy when they’re the size of eskimo snow shoes.

my sister had picked out a pair of shoes she wanted me to wear for her wedding. i slipped half my foot in and realized it was not going to work. my toes pulsed. the glittery bow was stretched out to a strip. the sides chaffed my feet. the back-up pair was 4 inch pump dipped in layers of gold glitter. thank goodness they didn’t fit either because i didn’t want to wear shoes that trigger an image of a slutty Judy garland way past her prime who’s sold Toto for a hit of elmer’s.

we moved on to the clearance section of the store. my sister had me try a few pairs on. i didn't sprain my ankles despite rolling on them so many times. think sexy my sister suggested. instead of looking like a victoria secret model strutting down the runway, i looked like a partially blind three-legged baby giraffe learning how to walk on ball bearings. sexy right?

i eventually did leave with a pair of suitable wedding shoes. my sister has tasked me with practicing in them every day because i have to look natural when i walk down the aisle. no wobbling. no tipping over. there should be no outward sign of any discomfort or pain. the only tears allowed will be tears of joy.

do you think it’s too late to back out of the bridesmaid thing?

“how did you walk down the aisle at laurie’s wedding? did you fall and roll down?!” – sister.