Thursday, November 17, 2011

Don’t Wanna Keep up with the Kardashians

recently my grandma has been asking my sister when she will get married because she would like to see some great grandchildren. my sister asked her if she’s asked me, the eldest grandchild, this. my grandma said if she were to wait for me she’d be long gone by then.

wow grandma, wow.

i know. she’s old enough where she doesn’t care about being pc anymore. but still, ow. if this comment were a physical attack i’d have a black eye. i guess i can add this onto my pile of emotional scars.

she’s said to me a couple times i need to get married if i want to be happy. but i tell her marriage and kids don’t guarantee happiness. i then provide her examples of people who can attest to this (yay for celebrities). i’ve even pointed out how oprah, someone she admires, isn’t married and is perfectly happy and successful (if you ignore the tv network thing).

i’m not in a panic about being single, yet. if anything the idea of getting married causes me to be in a panic. child-bearing leads to a complete black out.

next time i see grandma, i should reassure her that if there are millions of dollars in sponsorship and a brand at stake, i will consider selling my soul so i can get married and have kids ASAP.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

When I Was Your Age

this year, black and orange was just for halloween. that didn't deter people from wearing giants gear on monday though. if the point of a costume is to pretend to be something you normally aren't, what does that say about those who wore giants gear as costumes?

my parents didn't pass out candy this year. it has nothing to do with the recession but with our waistlines(see previous post). each year, less and less kids come by. last year we had 3 kids, leaving us with sugar surplus. most of our neighbors don't have young kids. the few who do take their kids to the mall.

that's right the mall. nowadays kids trick or treat indoors while their parents wait at the food court sipping starbucks coffee and eating orange chicken from panda express. whatever happened to walking five miles uphill both ways knocking on strangers' doors in the fog with the chance of getting something laced with poison or decorated with razor blades while having mom and dad reminding you they still have dinner to make so we better hurry up?

they go to safe zones. neighborhoods set aside specific streets for pedestrains to trick or treat. where's the adventure? being able to play frogger to get across the street to the next house?

they consolidate all the bad people and ban them from giving out candy. i'm ok with this.

they go to school. you just spent 8 hours there. why would you go back? the kids suffer. the teachers suffer. no one wins.

they go to church. better wear something rated g. it could be a scary place if you expect to run into an albino dressed in monk's robes or a nun.

trick or treating in controlled spaces can't replace going door to door. you don't meet your neighbors, see their decorations, and can't justify eating the thousands of calories you've just collected because you didn't burn any wandering the mall munching on a pretzel.

what's going to happen to trick or treating in the future? maybe they'll make an app where electronic candy is sent to our kids' smart phones.